


Because I love you

by mikhailosbitch



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitalization, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Kissing, Love, M/M, Mickey Uses His Words, Paralysis, mentions of abuse, mentions of bipolar disorder, post 06x01, some kind of fluff I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 13:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8753233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikhailosbitch/pseuds/mikhailosbitch
Summary: Lip smiled. Since he started working at that tech firm and Ian spent so much time with his beloved job or Trevor, they didn’t get to see each other as often as they used to do.But his smile frowned when he saw who got off the ambulance that was outside where the emergencies arrived. The doors opened and two EMTs pushed a stretcher inside. A third one was sitting on top of it, holding her hands down on the body beneath her. There was blood everywhere, but Lip barely noticed all that because his eyes focused on the person that was laying there, obviously fighting for their life.





	1. Fuck

**Author's Note:**

> Okay just glad that I finished this before 07x10 airs.  
> I did some research about paralysis but I'm anything but an expert so I hope it's not too unrealistic.  
> The first chapter takes place maybe around 07x07 but then doesn't follow canon. Also English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes. I'm always happy about kudos or comments!  
> I hope you enjoy it!

„Holy fuck!“, Lip cursed as he almost slipped on a beer puddle right on the edge of the track. Friday night and although it was only 6pm, the whole station was crowded and already covered in the weekend dirt, vomit, beer, piss, in addition to the usual dirt. When he got into the L he managed to get a seat so he didn’t have to stand between people wearing the smell of sweat, fast food and cheap perfume. The city seemed all blurry through the window as the train was rushing downtown, leaving shitty South Side behind. Lip looked around. Other than in the neighborhood he called his home, there weren’t just poor people, fucked up people and criminals. No, on the L you could also find decent mothers with their children, always looking around, afraid that some piece of South Side trash would come near them. Or business men in suits who were constantly talking via headset or reading some newspaper that would make them look more intelligent. The L was a place were whole Chicago was. He wondered if he liked that and didn’t find an answer before he reached Racine and got off.  
Shit, it was hot. Chicago was at the beginning of summer and the city was already drowning in heat. Lip could feel the sweat running down his back although he had showered right before he left the house.  
It was almost 6:20pm when he reached the main entrance of the hospital where he was supposed to meet his brother. The glass doors slid to the sides as Lip entered the building and let his eyes wander trough the lobby. The hall was busy as fuck, doctors running around, families sitting on the chairs in the waiting area or just standing in the middle of the room and making it hard for everyone else to pass. He looked to the right and spotted the doors of the ER. Ian had said they would meet in the lobby at 6:20 but Lip thought it couldn’t hurt to search for him at the ER since he was an EMT. As soon as he entered the emergency room, it got even busier around him. Apparently they were having a lot of emergencies right now and he wondered if maybe Ian had squeezed in an extra drive in the ambulance. He loved his job because he felt like he could actually make a difference by saving people’s lives and Lip had been more than relieved to see his brother smiling again. At least sometimes.  
Lip pulled out his phone to check if Ian had texted him when someone bopped into his side. It was Ian.  
“Hey! Looks like business is buzzing.”, Lip greeted as he hugged his little brother.  
“Yeah, although an ER is a place that shouldn’t be so busy.”, Ian answered but Lip knew he kind of liked doing so many drives.  
“But you can leave now?”, Lip asked and Ian nodded, “My shift’s done and we don’t have code black so I can go and catch up with my brother.”  
Lip smiled. Since he started working at that tech firm and Ian spent so much time with his beloved job or Trevor, they didn’t get to see each other as often as they used to do.  
But his smile frowned when he saw who got off the ambulance that was outside where the emergencies arrived. The doors opened and two EMTs pushed a stretcher inside. A third one was sitting on top of it, holding her hands down on the body beneath her. There was blood everywhere, but Lip barely noticed all that because his eyes focused on the person that was laying there, obviously fighting for their life.  
“Ian, we should get out of here.”, He said and grabbed his arm, but Ian’s eyes met the mess when the woman on top of the guy started yelling, calling doctors and nurses to get an OR.  
Lip looked at his brother who didn’t move and just stared at the patient. Fuck.  
They passed them as they were running towards the OR section somewhere in the shallows of the hospital and for the split of a second that felt like an infinity Lip stared at his face. A breathing mask covered his nose and mouth and his eyes were closed. He looked more dead than alive.  
A hand grabbed his arm and tightened around it so strong it hurt. But Lip didn’t shake it off, instead he lead Ian back through the doors which he had come trough and to a seat in the lobby.  
He didn’t know what to do. What to say to Ian. Holy shit, they were planning on going to some diner and just hanging out together. They both deserved that after all the shit they had been trough but it seemed like his little brother would never get a break.

 

They sat there in silence for a while that seemed like ages to Lip until Ian said in a raspy and silent voice: “Can you asked what happened? And… and if he’s…?”  
Lip nodded but wasn’t sure if he could leave Ian to go to the front desk. He didn’t want him to hear what happened without Lip being able to filter it.  
“You wait here, ok?” He asked and put both his hands on Ian’s shoulders. “I’ll be back in a minute and you’re still here then.” His brother just nodded weakly and Lip went to the front desk at the left of the hall. A small woman with big glasses looked at him questioningly. “Hello, how can I help you?”  
“Uhm, my brother and I just saw a guy arriving at the ER. He was directly brought to an OR. Could you tell us how he is?”  
“Are you family?” the woman asked.  
“No, but…”  
“Then I can’t give you any information, I’m sorry.” She interrupted him.  
“Look, I really need to know…”  
“You need to wait until someone of his family is here. Otherwise I’m not allowed to inform you about a patient’s condition.”  
He scoffed. “Well, then we can wait really long.”  
“Who exactly are you even talking about?” She asked, typing something in her computer, “I haven’t got any information yet about someone who got directly transferred to surgery. Usually they wait with the formal stuff and focus on saving lives. But could you help me out since you seem to know the patient?”  
He sighed and tried to calm himself down so he wouldn’t start yelling at that stupid bitch to fucking tell her what was going on because he had seen the look in Ian’s eyes as he saw who was on that stretcher.  
“Yes.” He answered instead, “His name is Mickey Milkovich. As far as I know he came from prison.”  
The receptionist typed the information in. “Do you know about any relatives that could be called?”  
“His sister Mandy. But she’s not in town I think. And… maybe his brother Iggy.”  
“Have you got their phone numbers?”  
“Yeah.”

Ian was still sitting in the same spot when Lip came back. It seemed like he hadn’t moved at all. He just looked at him, his eyes wide as Lip slumped down next to him.  
“No family, no information.” He said, “Plus she doesn’t know anything about him yet. But she’s calling Iggy and Mandy.”  
“Can we wait?”  
“Sure.”  
He didn’t even know if Iggy would show up and Mandy was god knows where but he did know that he couldn’t help his brother. Couldn’t make him leave.

Iggy came running into the lobby half an hour later, all looking scared and worried. Lip was surprised. He didn’t expect that he would care for his little brother that much to see this look in his eyes. He watched the Milkovich as he went to the front desk and talked to the receptionist. Lip looked at his brother. Ian was still in the same position staring down at some invisible spot on the floor. His heart sunk. The way Ian looked was something he had never wanted to see again after his brother had got his diagnosis and although he knew that couldn’t be avoided even with his meds, he had hoped that it would have taken more time until Ian’s eyes were just filled with desperation again.  
“Hey.” Lip looked up and saw Iggy standing in front of him. He got up and walked a couple steps away from Ian. He didn’t even notice it. Iggy followed him.  
“So what happened?” Lip asked and as he spoke he felt how he didn’t just want to know for Ian but also for himself. He had always thought that he hated Mickey but apparently he had started to kind of like him, although he would never admit that.  
“We gotta go upstairs and wait for a fucking doctor to tell us. Bitch doesn’t even know if he’s still alive. But she said you guys can come with me.”  
So they went. Lip guided Ian by holding his arm and leading him through the hallways right behind Iggy who was almost running. When they reached the OR section a nurse came from behind a counter. “Can I help you?”  
“Yeah, we’re here for my brother Mickey. He got here in an ambulance and is in surgery right now.” Iggy said, “He came here from prison.”  
The nurse nodded. “I’ll go and check how it’s going right away.” She said, turned around and disappeared trough a door.  
They slumped into the chairs at the right wall.

A couple minutes later the nurse came back and Iggy jumped off his seat as soon as he saw her. Lip also got up and headed towards the woman in the blue hospital clothes. Still no motion from Ian.  
“So?” Iggy asked, seeming like he was having trouble to breathe properly.  
“They’re trying their best but… it’s too early to say if he’s going to make it.” She said, “The doctor also told me that apparently he was attacked by his own father. He beat him up and stabbed him with a knife. He has lost a lot of blood.” Lip felt goosebumps all over his body as he remembered the amount of blood he saw when Mickey arrived at the hospital.  
Terry. Again. Lip didn’t want to believe that Mickey’s living hell of a father had got to him another time. And maybe now, Terry would reach his goal: to kill his own son.  
He closed his eyes, trying to stay calm and breathe slowly.  
“I’ll keep you updated.” The nurse said. Lip and Iggy nodded. “Thank you.” Mickey’s brother replied and Lip turned around to face Ian.  
His little brother was still just staring at the floor, not moving. Lip crouched down to be able to look at him and put his right hand on his shoulder. Ian moved his head and met his brother’s eyes. Lip could see only one emotion in them. Fear.  
“Uhm…” he started, trying to find the right words. As if there were the right words. “He’s in surgery right now. Doctors don’t really know much, but nurse will tell us as soon there’s something new.” He didn’t lie but he didn’t tell everything either. The whole truth would be too painful. Who did that to Mickey. What exactly happened.  
Ian nodded, seeming like he was trying to process the words he just heard but not fully getting their meaning yet. Lip sighed and closed his eyes but opened them two seconds later when Iggy approached them.  
“You guys want coffee or some shit?” He asked. Lip shook his head, he didn’t feel like getting anything down right now. Ian didn’t react which Iggy took as a ‘no’ as he walked down the hallway to find a vending machine.

It was three in the morning when she arrived. They had been waiting in the hallway the whole time, Iggy pacing from wall to wall and refusing to rest, Lip nervously tapping his fingers against the arm rest of his chair and Ian still remaining in his caved position. “Anything new? He’s still in surgery?” She asked, trying to catch her breath. Lip looked up and saw those blue eyes he hadn’t seen way too long. Mandy. Her hair was still blond but all messy and and she had dark circles under her eyes. Clear signs of a rushed and stressful journey. “No and yes.” He said, got up and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly, inhaling her scent. Fuck, he had missed her.  
Then she turned to her best friend. Ian didn’t seem to notice her until she hugged him as well, stroking his neck and closing her eyes as a few tears escaped from them. Ian hugged her back and Lip almost felt relieved as he saw that tiny little motion of his hands wrapping around Mandy.  
After that it was Iggy’s turn and when the two siblings let go of each other, the nurse came down the hallway. “Now I can inform you abou- Excuse me but you are…?” She said looking at Mandy, confused. “Mandy Milkovich, Mickey’s sister.” She answered and the nurse nodded. “Okay, well Mr. Milkovich is out of surgery and in the ICU…” She told the little group. “Does that mean he’s gonna make it?” Iggy asked nervously.  
“Yes, your brother is going to survive although we have to perform another surgery and run several tests considering his condition.” She answered, flipping through the papers she was holding. “Jesus Fuck.” Iggy let out, the relief in his face that Lip felt. But Mandy got them back to reality.  
“Tests? What for?” she asked in a thick voice.  
“Well as I already told you, he was stabbed by his father and lost a lot of blood. We managed to stop the bleeding and he received a blood transfusion.” She paused and sighed quietly before she continued, “But he also has a lot of injuries caused by beats. Especially his spine was damaged at one spot. The doctors did their best to fix it but we will have to operate again and then test if it worked.”  
“So what does that mean exactly?” Lip asked, although he knew the answer to that question but hoped he was wrong.  
She didn’t respond right away but sighed again before she said: “He might never be able to walk again. It’s possible that he will be paralyzed from waist down.”  
He saw Mandy closing her eyes. Iggy raising his hand to his mouth. Ian clenching his hand around the arm rest of the chair he was still sitting in.  
Fuck.


	2. Four years ago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Holy shit what happened?” Kev asked when they entered his car, Lip, Iggy and Ian in the back and Mandy the passenger seat.  
> “Dad got to Mickey.” Mandy answered simply. Lip noticed how she blinked, trying to keep the tears from coming out of her eyes.  
> “Fuck, ‘s he okay?!” Kev said, his face full of shock.

Kev’s red truck was waiting for them, as they exited the hospital. After the news, the nurse had told them politely but dedicated to leave and come back in the morning, to which the Milkovich siblings had started to argue but finally had given in. Lip had just grabbed Ian’s arm again and then they left after he had called Kev to pick them up.   
“Holy shit what happened?” Kev asked when they entered his car, Lip, Iggy and Ian in the back and Mandy the passenger seat.  
“Dad got to Mickey.” Mandy answered simply. Lip noticed how she blinked, trying to keep the tears from coming out of her eyes.  
“Fuck, ‘s he okay?!” Kev said, his face full of shock.  
“Depends on how you define okay.” Lip answered dryly and then added: “He’s alive but…”  
“Can we just fucking drive!?” Ian interrupted all over sudden.  
It was silent as Kev started the truck and they remained so the whole drive home.  
Iggy and Mandy were dropped off in front of Milkovich house before Kev headed for their street and stopped in front of the Gallagher home. Ian was out within two seconds and Lip wanted to follow him but Kev held him back. “Wait.” He said, “What’s up with Mickey?”  
Lip sighed before he answered. “Probably gonna be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.”  
His favorite neighbor and friend frowned. He could see how Kev’s hands clenched around the steering wheel. “I was gonna go see him with Yev next weekend.” He murmured but didn’t look at Lip. “Yeah?” He was surprised by that. “Why?”  
Kev snorted. “Because I want him to know his real dad. He deserves that. Everybody deserves to know their real father. He’s got me and V and Lana but still…”  
Well, Kev never met his old man but Lip couldn’t really say he was happy with his own father.  
“Not sure about that. As you know, Frank’s piece of shit.” He said and Kev smiled weakly.  
“Yeah, but Mickey’s a good guy.”   
And even though Lip really wanted to disagree with that, he couldn’t.

When he entered the house he wanted to get upstairs and into his room before Fiona would come and ask questions. He made it upstairs and opened his door but his big sister came before he could escape into his bed. “What the hell happened? Why are you coming home at 3:30 in the morning and Ian locks himself in the bathroom? Did you get that drunk? You know he isn’t supposed to drink on his meds.” She started talking and shooting him her typical ‘I’m your big sister and not happy with what you’ve done’ look. He looked her right in the eyes before he said. “No, we’re not drunk. We were at the hospital.”  
Fiona’s eyes widened in shock. “What?! Why?”  
Lip told her about the events of the night. She looked at him like she didn’t really believe what he was saying before she raised one hand to her forehead. He was sure she was thinking the same thing, he had when he found out what happened. Hadn’t Ian had enough?   
They just stood there quietly in the door frame of Lip’s room before he broke the silent.  
“I should uhm check on Ian.” She nodded.

It took him half an hour to get Ian to open the door. First Fiona had been watching him but left Lip alone when he told her to go and that he would handle it.  
Shortly after she disappeared into her room, he heard the lock click and opened the door.  
Ian was sitting on the floor, his long legs spread across it, his head leaning against the wall next to the toilet. The faint smell of vomit hit Lip’s nose as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. He sat down next to Ian who had closed his eyes. Lip eyed him, trying to find out how much damage the past few hours had done to his little brother. His red hair was tousled and his skin even paler than usual. A dried rest of puke in the corner of his mouth, a shaking cold hand now reaching for his own. Lip took it, holding it tight to stop the shaking. They just sat on the cold floor, for a little while until his butt started to feel sore and he decided they should go somewhere warmer.  
“Guess, that night didn’t really go the way we planned it.” He said, immediately regretting his words. Could he be anymore insensitive? To his surprise a bitter smile appeared on Ian’s face. “No.” He simply said, his voice raspy and dry. He didn’t resist when Lip got a towel, wet it and removed the vomit from his face and he didn’t resist either when his brother pulled him onto his feet. As soon as he was standing he seemed like he would just break down if Lip let go of him, so he quickly prepared his little brother’s toothbrush and handed it to him, still holding his arm. He knew too well from experience that it was better to get rid of the awful taste, that puking your guts out would cause, as soon as possible.  
When Ian was done brushing his teeth, Lip dragged him to his room. He didn’t like the thought of letting Ian alone in his own bed, even with Carl and Liam in the room. Right now he wasn’t sure what his brother was capable of so he figured it would be better to have an eye on him.  
They both changed into sweatpants and tank tops before Lip lifted his blanket and let Ian crawl under it before he got into his bed as well.  
Ian turned around, his back facing Lip and coiled up as if he wanted to disappear.

\--  
Fuck! Why didn’t these fucking tears stop rolling down her cheeks. Angrily she wiped them away. The house was cold and quiet when they entered it, just the way it must have been for Iggy for the last four years since every other sibling took off in some way. But pretty new for her. Shit, when was the last time she had been here? About four years ago?  
Four fucking years since the last time she saw her brother. And now she would never see him again. Not the brother she left.  
“You hungry?” Iggy asked but she shook her head. He went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, looking for something to eat. He always ate when he was upset or worried, like when Terry had beat out the shit out of him again or when mom had died.   
When something like that happened Mandy had always gone to Mickey. They had hidden in his room, sitting on the small bed, waiting for the storm to be over.  
The tears started running again. “Hey.” Iggy said and came back from the fridge. He wrapped his arms around her, a rare gesture in the Milkovich household and the second time he did within an hour. A few minutes passed until he let go of her. “What?” He asked, as she stared at him. “Just surprised that you actually give a shit about your family.” She answered and regretted it as soon as she saw the hurt look in his eyes.  
“I’m not a piece of shit like dad or my older brothers.” He simply answered.  
They remained silent for another couple minutes until she said: “It’s gonna kill him. If he can’t walk anymore, it’s gonna kill him.”  
Iggy nodded. “I know.”  
Her voice became bitter as she continued: “Having to rely on other people is gonna kill him.”  
He nodded. “I know.”  
Because they both knew the last thing Mickey wanted, was to rely on anybody. Especially after the only time he had done and the terrible way he got disappointed.  
“So let’s hope he’ll be able to walk.” Iggy said and Mandy clutched at that possibility because it was the only way she would be able to face her brother again.


	3. Wheelchair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you here to visit Mikhailo Milkovich?” A woman in a white lab coat made her way towards them. Mandy nodded. “Yeah.”  
> “Then follow me, please.” The doctor said and turned around, Mandy, Iggy and Lip quickly followed her. They entered a small room with a desk, some chairs and a couple shelves, obviously the doctor’s office. She sat down behind the desk and pointed to the chairs in front of it. “Please have a seat.”

He knew the smell of hospitals, god he had stayed in this smell for several hours last night but that didn’t mean he liked it. In fact he hated this weird scent, a mix of disinfectant, rubber and sickness. He tried to ignore the nauseous feeling it caused in his stomach as he was walking down the hallway, next to Mandy and Iggy.  
“Hi. We’re here to see our brother Mickey Milkovich.” Mandy said to the nurse behind the counter when they reached the ICU. “Names?” He asked, not even looking up from his computer. “Mandy Milkovich.”  
“Iggy.”  
“And you are?” The nurse asked, now looking at them, pointing to the third person of the group. “Uhm Lip Gallagher.” Lip answered. He eyed him like he wasn’t sure if he should let him in but Mandy quickly said: “He’s our friend.”  
The nurse nodded. “Wait here, I’m calling his doctor who will inform you about his condition.”  
“Do you know how long he will have to stay here?” Mandy asked and the nurse shook his head and said: “But you’re insurance is covering the whole stay, including other medical devices.”  
Lip was surprised. Since when did Mickey have fucking health insurance? Mandy noticed his confused look. “Got a good job now, my insurance covers Iggy, Mickey and me. Iggy looked at her the same way as Lip did. Seemed like he didn’t know about that either.  
They sat down at the chairs in the waiting area because the nurse wouldn’t let them in until a doctor came.  
“But shouldn’t the government pay for this anyway, since he’s a convict?” Lip asked as he remembered where Mickey came from when he was brought into the ER.  
A weak smile appeared on Mandy’s face. “Ex-con. He was officially released and getting his shit before getting out. Didn’t want me to tell anyone, thought about just leaving and letting everything behind so I didn’t. Well, apparently he was on his way out when Terry got to him. He didn’t care about the guard, knocked him down before he beat Mickey. It took some time until some other guards came and stopped him. Prison called this morning and told me. You know the rest of the story.” “Holy fuck.” Iggy said and Lip thought the same. It was like some heavenly force didn’t want to give Mickey anything else but shit in his life. Not that Lip believed in any of this religious crap.  
“How the hell did he get released?” Iggy asked. Interesting question.  
“Sammi lied during her testimony so they would lock Mickey up for sure. They found out and actually there wasn’t enough evidence to hold him, plus the victim had lied under loyalty oath, so they released him.” Mandy replied, making quotation marks with her hands when she said “victim”.  
Lip snorted. That bitch would have deserved to die for what she had done to Carl and Ian but he knew from Debbie, that she and Mickey hadn’t intended to kill her and just thought that she was dead. Not that anyone would have been sad about that but unfortunately she had come back with a gun, ready to kill Mickey and in the end he was locked up.  
“Are you here to visit Mikhailo Milkovich?” A woman in a white lab coat made her way towards them. Mandy nodded. “Yeah.”  
“Then follow me, please.” The doctor said and turned around, Mandy, Iggy and Lip quickly followed her. They entered a small room with a desk, some chairs and a couple shelves, obviously the doctor’s office. She sat down behind the desk and pointed to the chairs in front of it. “Please have a seat.”  
When they were all seated she said: “Well, my name is Dr. White and I’m the one who performed both surgeries of Mr. Milkovich. One when he arrived and another one just a couple hours ago.”  
“How is he?” Mandy asked and Lip could see how she was rubbing her hands nervously against her thighs.  
“As you were already told, we were able to stop the bleeding and close the wounds caused by the knife he was attacked with.” Dr. White explained in a calm voice, “But unfortunately the injury in his spine was very severe and…”  
“The hell does that mean?! What about the test you were going to do?” Iggy interrupted her impatiently.  
“It’s hard to say because we still have to run some tests when he’s conscious but he will probably not be able to move his legs. We have to check if he can still feel impulses below his waist but he’s not going to be able to walk again.”  
She paused to let the information sink in and Lip saw how Mandy closed her eyes and heard how Iggy breathed in heavily and he felt his hands getting cold. What would he tell Ian? How would he tell him?  
“I know this is a shock to you but on the other hand there was a big chance that he wouldn’t survive. He’s a fighter.”  
Mandy laughed bitterly. “Yeah, we know he’s a fighter. He’s been fighting for his whole fucking life.”  
Dr. White looked at them, obviously hesitating. “What?” Lip asked.  
“The report I got from prison says that his father did that to him and I also saw a lot of different scars on his body. Am I right by assuming that those come from his father as well?” She said, moving uncomfortably in her chair.  
“Probably.” Mandy answered, “But he also got shot twice and in several other fights, why?”  
“Are there any children under eighteen in your household?” The doctor asked, “If that’s the case I need to inform child protective services.”  
Iggy snorted. “No, it’s a little late for that by now, plus our dad has been locked up like half of our childhood.”  
Lip saw something that could be pity in the doctor’s eyes. “South Side.” He explained. She nodded.

\--  
“Can we see him now?” Mandy asked, blinking her tears away.  
“I have to explain a few things to you.” Dr. White answered. “Considering his condition and recovery.”  
Mandy sighed. She didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want the doctor to list all the things he wouldn’t be able to do but she had to listen. Had to make sure not to miss anything so she could help her brother. Although she felt like she couldn’t help at all.  
“Mr. Milkovich will have to spend at least four months in the hospital in order to make sure that his spine injury heals properly.” Dr. White said and then corrected herself: “I mean in order to make sure there won’t be more damage to his spine.” Mandy closed her eyes. Four fucking months?   
“During his time here he will receive physical therapy. Our tests say that fortunately he won’t have problems regarding his ability to empty his bladder and his intestine, so we don’t have to discuss that. Also he is probably going to be able to have sexual intercourse in the future because the paralysis is only in his legs.”  
God, she didn’t want to have to know if Mickey was still gonna be able to piss or have sex. She knew that he would die because he would feel so ashamed if he could hear the doctor right know. She hadn’t even thought about this kind of things but apparently she should be thankful that he would still be able to do this private stuff on his own.  
“Do you have any questions so far?” Dr. White asked and all three of them answered “No.”  
“Okay, so I’m going to inform you about the requirements regarding his home. You will have to make sure that he can reach all the places needed, meaning a bed, a bathroom and kitchen. Does he live in a house or apartment?”  
“House.” Iggy answered after he shared a short look with his sister.  
“Does it have more than one story?”  
“No.” Iggy said again.  
“Well, if there’s any stairs… for example if the house has a porch…” “It does.” Iggy interrupted.  
“Then your insurance will cover the cost for a ramp, as well as an accessible shower and the wheelchair.”  
The wheelchair. Mickey’s legs to-be. Mandy swallowed hard.  
“I know that all of this must be really hard for you.” Dr. White added and she actually sounded like she gave a shit. “It is going to be hard especially for him, so I recommend that he sees a psychologist to figure out if he also needs help to mentally deal with his disability.”  
Disability. From now on her brother was disabled, therefore dependent. He needed help, someone to be there, at least in the beginning if not always. Could Iggy take care of him? Or would she have to give up her job and move back in? But what about the insurance then? Or her dream to get out of this shithole called South Side? As soon as the last thought popped into her head she felt guilty. This wasn’t about her.  
“Uhm, can we see him now?” Lip asked and interrupted her thoughts. “Yes.” Dr. White said.  
She lead them to a room at the end of the hallway that contained her office.   
“The anesthesia still has an effect, so he’s probably sleeping.” She explained when she opened the door.  
Mandy entered the room, followed by her brother and Lip before the doctor closed the door, leaving them alone.  
The room was big enough for two beds but at the moment Mickey was the only patient there. His bed was next to the window that offered a great view to the parking lot of the hospital. She eyed every inch of the room, the walls, the floor, the TV in the corner hanging from the ceiling, just to avoid looking at her brother. But then she did. Looked at the person lying in the bed. As Dr. White had assumed, he was asleep. His skin paler than ever, matching the bandage around his head. He was linked to several machines which were quietly beeping. It was the only noise in the room. She stepped closer and saw the bruises and scratches covering his face. He also had a black eye and small cuts in his cheek.  
Terry had left his typical marks and that was only Mickey’s face. She didn’t want to think about the rest of his body left alone his legs.  
There was a chair next to the bed which she sat down on and grabbed his hand with the U-UP tattoos. The one with FUCK laid on his other side where she could see a needle in his arm, connected to an IV.  
His fingers were warm which she was surprised about. It felt good because suddenly she noticed that she had been cold since she had got to the hospital.

\--  
Lip slumped onto the small couch on the wall, next to Iggy. He had only come here for Ian, because he wasn’t sure how his little brother would have reacted to the things the doctor had just told them or to the sight of Mickey. Fiona and he had agreed that Lip would go and check on Mickey if Fiona made sure that Ian stayed home. He didn’t know that Lip was here right now and Fiona had probably said that there weren’t any visitors allowed yet. But he wasn’t sure if Ian would come even if he knew he could.  
Mickey’s eyes were closed and his breath was calm. He looked kind of peaceful, something he had never really seen on him before. Ian probably had.

\--  
Iggy and Lip left about half an hour later. Her brother had to run some errands Mandy didn’t really want to know about and Lip said he had to go to work. She called her boss and told him about the situation. She got a week off. When she put her phone in her pocket, she felt a twitch in Mickey’s hand that she was still holding.  
“Mickey?” She asked, her heart pounding hardly in her chest.  
He slowly opened his eyes but didn’t really seem awake yet. She squeezed his hand. “Mickey, can you hear me?”  
He tried to focus his gaze on her and started the attempt to say something but failed.   
“You wanna drink something?” She asked and took the cup of water a nurse had placed there earlier and helped him to take a couple zips before she put it back.  
“The fuck happened?” Mickey tried again and this time she understood.  
“Hey, shithead.” She said and couldn’t help but smile as she saw his response in form of flipping her off.  
“You don’t remember?” She asked. Dr. White had told her that could happen when someone woke up after a traumatic experience but he would probably remember within a couple hours.  
“Got in a fight.” He managed to get out, obviously trying to fight the numbing feeling, caused by the painkillers the machines were pumping in him.  
“Yeah, you could put it like that.” She said and tried to keep herself from crying again.  
He shouldn’t have to know yet, that something was wrong.  
“Why the fuck are you holding my hand?”  
She didn’t respond and he didn’t take his away.  
“Is that a fucking hospital?” He asked as he noticed the needle in his right arm and the machines around him. She nodded.   
“What about the other guy? He also here?” He had a cocky grin on his face but his eyes couldn’t feint her, he was in pain despite all the substances that were being pumped into his body.  
“No.” She croaked, trying to hold her tears back, “Prison.”  
“Right, I was gonna get out that fucking place. Did I do anything too stupid, so I go back there when I’m out of here?”  
“No, you’re a free man.” And she felt a sting in her guts at that lie. He wasn’t going back to prison, but he would never be free again.  
“Good.” He said before he dozed off.  
She allowed her eyes to let out the tears. How long in his whole life had he actually been free? Less than a year, between that night at the Alibi and the day everything went to shit.

Mickey slept most of the day and Mandy stayed with him, watching TV and reading the stupid magazines someone had left on the table in the corner. Every couple hours a nurse came in, adjusted the machines and checked on him. It was almost 5pm when he woke up again. “Still here?” He asked, “Since when are you so fucking clingy?”  
She didn’t get to answer because the door opened and Dr. White rushed into the room, followed by a bunch of young wanna-be doctors.  
“Hello, Mr. Milkovich.” She said, smiling at him as the group of medics was standing behind her shooting curious looks at Mickey.  
“I prefer Mickey, if that’s alright.” And Mandy couldn’t resist the smile that appeared on her face when she heard how her grumpy brother could be so polite. If they were in South Side he would have just told the person who would dare to call him “Mr.” to fuck off. But here he didn’t have to maintain a reputation, she figured, so he could be nice. Or at least not a complete asshole.  
“Okay, Mickey. My name is Dr. White but everybody that spends some time here skips the title and just calls me White.”  
His eyes flickered for a split second.  
“Is it okay for you if my young colleagues here stick around for a few tests? They won’t be here when I inform you about your condition.”  
Now there was serious worry in his eyes as he looked at Mandy. She nodded at him, reassuringly.   
As far as she knew the tests were there to check if he was still able to feel anything in his legs. Something she was hoping for so fucking badly.  
“I’m sorry” White said, ”but I have to ask you to step out during the tests Mrs Mil…”  
“Mandy.” She said and stood up. The doctor nodded at her as she walked out and she knew that she wasn’t allowed to be in there because White didn’t want her to react in any way that would make Mickey suspicious, if the tests didn’t turn out the way they were hoping for.  
It felt like ages until the door opened again and the medics came out. The last one held it open so she could slip in. White was writing something in the binder she was holding as she showed her to sit down. Mandy took her seat beside Mickey’s bed and the doctor grabbed another chair from the table with the magazines and sat down next to her.  
“Well, do you know what exactly happened Mickey?” White asked. Just breathe Mandy told herself, as she tried to stay calm.  
“I grabbed my stuff to get out of that shithole and then I got into a fight with someone.” Mickey answered, nervously eyeing White. He seemed to know that this wasn’t just it.  
“Yes, but do you know who you got into it with?”  
“If I did I would probably just fucking tell you, wouldn’t I.” Mickey snapped. Mandy swallowed. There it was: The defense mode her brother was mostly in, something he had built up over the years trying to protect himself from their father.  
White didn’t seem offended and replied: “You were attacked by your father Terry.”  
The second he heard the word “father” Mickey’s gaze hardened and his fingers formed fists. Signs of anger and fear. The doctor continued.  
“You were brought here with several injuries caused by a knife, punches and hard kicks. We immediately performed surgery on you in order to stop your bleeding. We managed to close the wounds. They should heal within a couple weeks.”  
“Is that all?” Mickey simply asked but Mandy knew he was afraid of the answer.  
“I’m sorry but no. Your spine was injured as well. We stabilized it but there’s a permanent damage.”  
Mickey didn’t look at White neither at Mandy, an undefinable expression on his face.  
White seemed like she didn’t want to go on but she did.  
“Mickey, I have to tell you that won’t be able to walk again.”  
He didn’t react, just kept staring at some spot behind them.  
“But our tests say that you can feel impulses below your waist.”  
She stopped and Mandy couldn’t blame her. How the hell would you continue after that? Tell him that he was still able to take a shit or get a boner?  
They remained silent for a couple minutes in which Mickey didn’t move at all.  
“Out.” He finally said, his voice barely hearable.  
White and Mandy left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mickey's kind of paralysis is really rare but I did some research and as far as I know his situation could be possible.


	4. Ian Gallagher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s your name?”  
> “Ian Gallagher.”  
> “Gallagher? You’re related to Lip Gallagher who was here about a week ago?”  
> “Yeah, I’m his brother.”  
> “So you’re also a friend of Mickey?”  
> The answer she got was something between nodding and head shaking.

The following days, Mickey refused to talk, didn’t let the doctors nor the nurses touch him. He often had to be sedated so the doctors could treat him properly. Mandy was at the hospital everyday and also Iggy came a couple times to visit. Mickey didn’t look at them.  
Five days after his arrival and two days before Mandy had to leave for god knows how long, White called her into her office.  
“Please have a seat.” She said when Mandy entered the room, “Do you want coffee?”  
She nodded and then remembered the few manners she got. “Yes, please.”  
“This is better than the brew from the vending machines down the hallway.” White said as she placed a mug in front of her and sat down behind her side of the desk.  
“So what do you want to talk to me about?” Mandy asked and sipped at her coffee, shit that stuff was hot but yeah definitely better than the shit she had drunk during the last four days.  
White sighed. “Normally I would sit it out. Wait until the patient participates. It’s not uncommon for people with permanent injuries to resist treatment for a while, especially if they grew up under circumstances similar to yours. But your brother needs someone to be there for him, to help. He has a rough time ahead of him and as far as I know you will have to leave soon. It doesn’t seem like Iggy can be here often.”  
“My brother doesn’t need anybody. Never really has.” Mandy responded because she knew White was right and she also knew she wouldn’t get more time from her boss.  
“Everybody needs someone. Particularly in his situation. Is there anyone else who could help him through this?”  
“Not really.” Mandy answered and tried not to sound scoffing.  
“Any friends?”  
Mandy shook her head.  
“I assume he’s not in a relationship?”  
She had to hold back a bitter laugh as she heard that.  
“No. But he has a son.” Mandy said, clenching her hands around the warming mug.  
White’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”  
“Yeah. His mother and him aren’t together anymore. Complicated story.”  
“How old is he?”  
“Five.” Tears started burning in the corners of her eyes.   
“Mickey must have been quite young when he was born. Do they know each other?”  
“Mickey was nineteen when Yevgeny was born. The last time he saw him, Yev was one year old. Mickey was thinking about leaving after getting out, leaving everything behind.” She didn’t know why she told White but she felt like she could actually trust the doctor. Maybe she just needed someone to talk to. Someone who would listen to all the shit her family had been through and wouldn’t judge because somehow she knew that White wouldn’t do that.  
“What about his son?”  
“I asked him that too, but he thought that Yev would be better off without him. Said that he barely knows him and didn’t want to crash into his life when he can’t even remember his dad. But actually I think Yev’s the reason why he wasn’t sure about his decision to leave Chicago.”  
White sighed again. “So there really is nobody else who could be with him?”  
Mandy tightened her grip around the mug that was getting cold. “No.”  
And White closed the binder in front of her and stood up when she said: “Not anymore.”  
The doctor looked at her, a sad smile on her face. “Well I hope I see you around soon then.” She said and opened the door.

\--  
Nina White buried her head in her hands. She was tired and hungry but she still had 12 hours until her shift was done. After a glance at the clock she decided it was time for another attempt with Mickey. His sister had left two days ago and his brother had been here for two hours yesterday. He still refused to participate in his treatment, didn’t speak to anyone.  
She sighed and stepped into the hallway that was filled with doctors and nurses running around, so many that she almost didn’t see the guy standing at the counter at the entrance of her section. He looked a little bit lost and nurse Mary was not behind the counter as she was supposed to be so Nina made her way up to him.  
“Can I help you?” She asked as she reached him. She eyed him. He was about six feet tall and had green eyes but the most remarkable thing about his appearance was his red hair.  
“Yeah, I’m looking for Mickey Milkovich.” He answered, nervously tapping one finger on the counter next to him. She had known that there was someone else, someone Mandy had refused to tell her about. The question was why.  
“What’s your name?”  
“Ian Gallagher.”  
“Gallagher? You’re related to Lip Gallagher who was here about a week ago?”  
“Yeah, I’m his brother.”  
“So you’re also a friend of Mickey?”  
The answer she got was something between nodding and head shaking.  
She knew technically she would have to ask Mickey if he wanted to see this Ian, since he wasn’t part of his family but she decided to let him in without asking. She got the feeling that Mickey would say no but at the same time she thought there had to be a reason why this guy had waited so long before he came here and maybe he was actually able to help him.  
“Well, then follow me, please.” She said and started walking. He followed. “I’m Dr. White by the way. Mickey’s doctor.” She explained as she guided him to room 314. Mickey was still alone in his room. After years of dealing with all kinds of patients she got the feeling that the last thing he needed was a chatty roommate. He needed someone who knew him to get him out of his shell and she was sure that the red head, Ian, and Mickey knew each other very well. Still she didn’t know if her idea was going to work out.  
“Do you know about Mickey’s condition?” She asked, her hand on the door handle. He nodded. “Mandy told me.”  
“Okay.” She replied and opened the door, “Here he is.”  
Fuck, she would kill for knowing how Mickey would react to his new visitor. If he would react but she gathered herself and ran as the beeping of her pager told her to do.


	5. Every day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, Mick.”  
> “Get the fuck out.”

The room was silent beside the quietly beeping machines that were linked to Mickey. It was a certain kind of silence, a kind that made him want to flee because it conveyed the feeling of pure despair. Mickey was laying in the bed staring out of the window. Ian stepped closer. Slowly, afraid, fucking scared of what he would see. What look would be on Mickey’s face. And then Mickey turned his head and their eyes met.  
Four years since he had seen these eyes. Four years since his heart had been pounding so hard. Four fucking years since he had felt so alive.  
“Hey, Mick.”  
“Get the fuck out.”  
“Let me just…”  
“GET OUT!”  
“Please, Mick…”  
“Leave me the fuck alone!”  
He knew he deserved that. But that didn’t make it hurt less.

He visited every afternoon after he was done with his shift and went into his room. Talked to him, apologized, explained, told him about his family, about Yev, asked about him. Mickey never responded. Never said a word which drove him fucking crazy because he had expected everything except silence. Silence meant hatred and Ian was sure Mickey hated him, but there was a small part of him, that was still hoping. That part made him come back every fucking day.  
And one day, Mickey replied.  
“Hey.”  
“Hey.” Mickey’s voice was raspy and quiet. Hurt.  
“I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry.” Ian said for what felt like the millionth time during the last three days.  
“What for?” Now he sounded depreciative.  
“For leaving.” Ian answered, “For not getting my shit together, for listening to my mom, for lying to you, for being a giant piece of trash, for wallowing in self-pity.” He paused. “ I just wanted to tell you that.”  
“That all?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So you gonna leave now?”  
“No.” He sat down on the bed. “No, I’m not gonna leave.” Ian reached for his hand but he flinched. He tried again, grabbed Mickey’s hand tightly. Refused to let him take it away.  
Neither of them spoke, they just sat there in silence. Ian felt how the atmosphere in the room slowly changed from desperate to hopeful. He leaned closer to Mickey. Their foreheads touched and they stayed in this position, eyes closed, breathing in each others smells. Mickey smelled like sweat and hospital but also a hint of cigarettes, obviously he wasn’t allowed to smoke in here, and something that was just Mickey.  
“I love you.” Ian whispered. And then he kissed him.  
At first Ian thought Mickey would turn his head away, yell at him or punch him. But he didn’t.  
Ian cupped the back of Mickey’s neck, his other hand interwining their fingers, holding them tightly. And then Mickey kissed him back. It was slow and hesitant, scared. Ian wanted to reassure him, show him that it was okay that he would never leave again. He tried to put this message into the kiss, put all his feelings in. Because he needed Mickey. God he needed him so much.  
He didn’t know how much time had passed when they let go of each other. It could be minutes. Or hours. It didn’t matter.  
“You really wanna fuck this? A fucking cripple?” Mickey’s voice was dry. He didn’t look at Ian, stared to the ceiling instead.  
“You really think I give a shit about the wheelchair?”  
He didn’t respond, just kept glaring at the ceiling. Ian felt a sting in his heart. Mickey looked so weak, eaten away by self-hatred, broken. Ian leaned closer to him again and wrapped both his hands around his head forcing him to look at him. “Mick I love you. I don’t know why it took me so goddam long to say it but I love you. You remember what you said to me when I came back from my trip with Monica? ‘Thick and thin, good times bad, sickness health all that shit.’ You stayed with me despite my bipolar, although I was being a complete asshole. You stayed. And I left. And I’m so fucking sorry because you were right. You are right. I don’t care that you can’t walk. To be honest I think we’re both pretty fucked up even without our diagnoses.” As he said the last sentence Mickey smiled a little. He actually smiled. Ian’s felt tears of relief burning in his eyes and his vision became blurry.  
He took a chair from the corner and sat down as close to Mickey’s bed as possible. 

\--  
Ian came every day after work and stayed until she kicked him out. Mickey slowly got better. The wounds in his torso were healing, his weight getting back to normal, he participated in his treatment, let the nurses wash him, his language sounding more and more like his siblings’ if not worse, and he finally even agreed to see the fucking shrink, as he called Dr. Newman. She had made an appointment for the next day.  
She knew the credit for those improvements was due to Ian, although she didn’t know why. But she was going to find out.  
“Ian would you come to my office for a second?” She said when visiting hours were over and she had to make him leave Mickey’s side. He had asked her to call him ‘Ian’ the second day he visited.  
“Yeah, why?” He asked back, a confused look on his face but followed her anyway.  
“I want to talk to you about Mickey’s state.” She explained when they were seated in her office.  
“Okay? I thought you already told us everything about his injuries.” He replied and ran a hand through his hair.  
“I mean about his mental state.”  
His gaze hardened.  
“Tomorrow he is going to meet Dr. Newman in order to see how he’s dealing with his situation.”  
“Well, you will know then, won’t you? Why the need to talk to me?” He said, leaning back as he wanted to defend himself.  
“Yes, but I won’t exactly know what he will say. That’s going to be between him and Dr. Newman.”  
“Because it’s none of your business.”  
“That’s not true. He didn’t let anybody near him for more than a week, only talked to his sister and his brother…”  
“Because they were the only visitors.”  
“Besides your brother.”  
“Who was here once.”  
She sighed. “Yes, but he started opening up when you came here.”  
“Not exactly.”  
“Well, okay a while after you came here.” She admitted, “But the point is, he opened up to you. And I think it wasn’t a matter of time but of the right person to come.”  
He didn’t respond.  
“I asked Mandy if there were any other people who could be there for him, before she left and she said no, there isn’t anyone.” She paused. “And she told me he has a son.”  
Ian’s face lit up, the second she said that. “Yevgeny.”  
“Do you know anything about him? Where he lives? If he knows about his father?”  
“Why?”  
“Maybe he would want to see him.”  
Ian hesitated, tapping his foot on the floor, before he said: “Yes, I know where he lives. I also know that Kev wants to take him for a visit here soon.”  
“Kev?”  
“His stepdad. Yev lives with his mom, and her two spouses plus their daughters. Or well, lived since Svetlana got deported and left Yev here so he doesn’t end up in the country she fled from.”  
Okay, that was interesting.  
“Does Mickey see his son regularly?”  
“No, since he was in prison for the past four years and his ex-wife didn’t really give a shit. Not that you could really blame her.”  
“But does Mickey have a place to live when he can leave the hospital? I mean his siblings said that he lives in a house but I’m not sure…”  
“Yeah, they have a house.”  
“But Mandy doesn’t live there anymore, does she? Does Iggy live there?”  
“No and not exactly sure, why?”  
“Because he needs someone to take care of him. Someone who’s there all the time.”  
Ian nodded. “I am.”  
She hesitated before she spoke again. “Okay… did Mandy inform you about the required changes of the places he will live in?”  
“Yes, there’s a guy coming to measure out the porch and the bathroom.”  
She remained silent for a moment until he stood up and headed towards the door while asking: “Are we done?”  
“Actually…” She stopped, shifting uncomfortably in her chair, “I have to ask you if you are certain in your decision to take care of him. It’s not only a matter of your willingness but also of ability.”  
“What’s supposed to mean?” He asked, glaring at her with an angry look on his face, “Are you saying that I’m not capable to help? Because I’m bipolar?”  
She quickly shook her head. “No, no, no. I mean that I can organize someone who would help you. A professional who knows exactly how to handle things. I don’t know if you realize that but he’ll need help in all different kinds of situations.”  
“I’m aware of that.”  
“Are you also aware of the fact that you won’t have much time for your own life? Look, it’s not a crime to ask for help so if you need anything… just let me know, please.”  
“Yeah.” He assured but she could see that he wasn’t planning on doing it. She was surprised how sure Ian seemed with his decision. They must be really good friends. She wondered what had happened between them so Ian had shown up so late. But the point was he had.  
“Well, then we are done now.” She said and stood up.  
“See you tomorrow.” Was his answer as he went through the door.


	6. Shrink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi Mr. Milkov-“  
> “It’s Mickey.”  
> “Hi Mickey. I’m Dr. Newman.”  
> “Good for you.”

“Hey.” Nina greeted her as she entered her office.  
“Hey.” June replied not looking up from the report she was writing, “What’s up?”  
“Just wanted to tell you that I’ll bring Mickey around in like ten minutes.”  
June tapped on the calendar laying on her desk. “All scheduled.”  
“Yeah I know.” She smiled.  
“So why are you here then?” June asked and finally gazed at her best friend standing in the door frame.  
“You got all the information you need?”  
“Yes.”  
“You sure you don’t want me to tell you about him before you two talk?”  
June sighed. “Nina, you’re aware of the fact that I got all I have to know in here.” She pointed at the file next to the calendar which contained all about Mickey’s condition.  
“But maybe I should tell you about the stuff I heard from his sister and-“  
“Jesus Nina, I prefer to talk to my patients myself. Everything I need to know ahead I know and he will tell other stuff when or if he wants to.” June said rolling her eyes. They had been best friends for five years now but their jobs were slightly different and sometimes Nina just didn’t get that.  
Nina left and got back eight minutes later, exactly at 10:01am. She held open the door of June’s office so Mickey could enter the room. As soon as he was in front of her desk, Nina disappeared and they were alone.  
“Hi Mr. Milkov-“  
“It’s Mickey.”  
“Hi Mickey. I’m Dr. Newman.”  
“Good for you.”  
She eyed him. He was sitting in a wheelchair, all new and looking agile, totally different from the hospital ones, so she figured the insurance company had already delivered.  
Short black hair, blue eyes, pale skin. FUCK U-UP tattooed on the knuckles of his hands holding on to the grips on the wheels. Ready to flee. Distrust, anger and fear in his gaze as he stared at the box on her desk right next to the computer.  
“Well you know why you’re here so we’re not going to further discuss this.” She paused, searching for an reaction in Mickey’s face. She didn’t get one.  
“Do you want coffee or tea?” She asked reaching behind her to get two mugs. He shook his head so she only took one and stood up to make herself tea. “Well how about we go over there.” She said as she pushed some buttons on her high-tech barista machine and pointed towards the corner which contained three armchairs and a small coffee table. Without a word Mickey pushed himself forward and stopped right in front of the table. When she was done she took the box and Mickey’s folder from her desk and placed both, the box and her mug on the coffee table and sat down in her green armchair, the folder sitting on her lap. Stirring her tea with a spoon she said: “Three words to describe you.”  
He snorted. “Ain’t doing this shit.”  
“Okay then it’s my turn. I’m serious, smart and weird.” She waited about five seconds before she went on. “Pick a quote.” She reached for the box and opened it. Inside there were scraps of paper with quotes. She had collected them since she started university.  
Two minutes later they were all on the table and she shot a questioning look at him. He still stared at the, now open and empty, box. They remained silent for a while until he finally asked: “Why’re you doing this crap?”  
“I want to get to know you.”  
“Hell you want.”  
She didn’t respond, just waited patiently and eventually she noticed how Mickey started reading the quotes in front of him.  
She had some favorites even though she liked all in some way, otherwise she wouldn’t have collected them. There was “Silence is the most powerful scream.”-Anonymous, “Celebrate every tiny victory.”-Anonymous, “Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.”-Anonymous, “We all feel a little fucked up sometimes.”-Anonymous, “Love isn’t something you find. Love is something that finds you.”-Loretta Young, “Love is a smoke with the fume of sighs.”-William Shakespeare, “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”-Aristotle, “If you don’t like to read, you haven’t found the right book.” J.K. Rowling, “True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.”-Francois de la Rochefoucauld. There were a lot more and Mickey read through all of them, an unreadable expression on his face. Finally he picked “It’s the kind of tired that sleep won’t fix.”-Anonymous.  
“Why that one?”  
The only answer she got was a shrug. She looked at him, trying to read his emotions, searching for a way inside his thoughts. She could basically feel the walls around him blocking everybody and everything out. These walls were made for protection and they were thick. This wasn’t going to be easy.  
“Well, can I just ask you a few questions? You don’t have to answer but I would appreciate it if you did.”  
No answer which she took as a yes.  
“Why are you here?”  
“Thought you said you know why, the fuck are you asking now?”  
“I don’t mean the fact that you’re in a wheelchair which is a lot to deal with and that’s why you have to talk to me. I mean, how did you get here? What happened?”  
Mickey waited a couple minutes before he answered: “You serious with this shit? You got all your fucking information in this stupid folder.”  
“No, I didn’t.” That was one of the differences between her colleagues and her. She always got as little information as possible when she had a new patient. Usually it was just the report considering their physical condition. The mental stuff was on her duty.  
He finally tore his gaze from the quotes and looked at her, surprise in his eyes.  
“I only know about your physical condition.”  
“So? There isn’t much else to know!”  
“I don’t think so.”  
Although he quickly hid it with a bitter smile and snort, she didn’t miss the hint of hope that suddenly appeared on his face and only lasted for a split second. The hope that someone actually gave a shit about him. And she did. They had met like ten minutes ago but she already liked him.  
She had to wait about two minutes and was ready to just go to the next question when Mickey spoke. “Got beat up by my dad.” She resisted the urge to sigh. She had expected something like that but that didn’t mean she wanted it to be true.  
“Was that the first time?” Well, she kind of knew the answer to that question and got it confirmed as he shook his head.  
“Where did that happen? At home?”  
“Prison.”  
Now she was surprised.  
“You were in prison?”  
“Yeah.”  
“What for?”  
“Attempted murder at first but they reopened the case. Got assault and battery. Four years instead of fifteen. Had already done that much so I got released. He got me on my way out. Was transferred there the exact same day.”  
She swallowed. This sounded like his father had waited a long time to hurt Mickey. From the medical report she knew he had barely survived. That guy had wanted to kill his son and only the powers of her best friend and her team had avoided that being the case.  
“Are you from Chicago?”  
“South Side.” The answer she had expected. Her theory that there was more than dealing with a life long injury and an abusive father, confirmed. People from the South Side knew what it meant to have a shitty life. No money. No future.  
“What about the rest of your family?”  
“What about them?”  
“Do you have any?”  
“Three brothers, one sister. Mom’s dead.”  
She added 3 brothers, 1 sister, no mother to the notes she was taking.  
“Do they visit you?” She knew she was asking harsh and direct questions but it felt like Mickey would rather cooperate if she did this instead of trying to be all sensitive by asking light questions like How’s the food? That worked with some people but Mickey would just give her shit. Here, the art of being sensitive meant to not force him to answer.  
“Mandy’s got work in New York but was there when I got here. Iggy sometimes.”  
“Are your siblings your only family?”  
“Got a son.” There wasn’t one little signal of emotion in his face as he said that and she wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t feel anything for his son or if he was holding back a shitload of a mix of emotions.  
“What’s his name?”  
“Yevgeny.”  
“Yev- what?”  
“Yevgeny.” And now there was something in his eyes that could be called a smile, as he was obviously kind of amused that she couldn’t pronounce the name but at the same time she knew that he actually cared about his son. At least in some way.  
“Does he live with his mother?”  
“Yeah and with my ex-business partner and his wife plus their children.”  
“Must be frustrating.” She knew she was leaning wide out the window by saying this but somehow she wanted to get some emotion from him. Mickey seemed like someone who would easily burst out in anger but she hadn’t seen anything like that so far which she was concerned about. People showing little to no emotion usually wasn’t a good sign.  
“Like I give a shit.” He said, still no reaction in his eyes. She would have suspected anybody else lying but could hear that he really meant it. There was no love for the mother of his child and neither hate.  
“But apparently they broke up or some shit.” He added but still clearly couldn’t care less.  
“Well, do you want to see Yev…geny? We could arrange a meeting even if his mother doesn’t wan-“  
“ ‘S stepdad is bringing him tomorrow. He’s staying with him and the other wife. Bitch went back to Russia and didn’t want Yev having to live there.” Another surprise.  
“The stepdad is your ex-business partner, right?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So I suppose you’re friends?”  
He shrugged in a way that told her he really didn’t know.  
“Is there someone else who visits you that you would call a friend for sure?”  
Instead of answering her, he looked down on his hands in his lap. She couldn’t help but stare at those hands. Besides the dark tattooed letters on his fingers she saw scars everywhere. The pale skin making them stand out even more.  
She waited a while but he didn’t say anything.  
“Okay, then we’re done for today.”  
The look on Mickey’s face showed more than relief and she almost didn’t hear his mumbled ‘bye’ before he was gone within about two seconds.


	7. Good luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was only one thing they never talked about. Love.

Mickey had to come back once a week and every time he seemed a little more comfortable although it was clear that he never felt at ease when he talked to her. Still, they made a lot of progress. It was slow but he opened up to her step by step. With every swear word, every insult and every curse she knew a little more. He never told much, almost every question she asked got her an answer that was barely one sentence long. But she knew he was trying. She saw it in his alert eyes and clenching fists, felt it when he took some time to answer, searching for the right words. Sometimes it made her heart ache to look at this broken guy she got to know more and more as she heard about his past. A past most of which was absolutely terrible. After almost five months he had told her about the countless times his father had beat him and his siblings up, drug runs starting at the age of ten, angry teachers who were happy when he finally dropped out of high school, several stays in detention center and his four years in prison. There was only one thing they never talked about. Love.  
Whenever she dared to ask about that topic Mickey shut down completely, telling her this was none of her fucking business. But she never missed the way his eyes lightened up a little bit as he said that. She figured there was someone he really loved he just didn’t want to talk about it.  
Today it was their last meeting before he would be released. Still, he would have to see her regularly which he was pissed about but she knew the time after the hospital would be the hardest. Having to adjust to life again, getting through the struggles paralysis comes along with.  
In order to manage this properly he needed people to be there for him, people he could trust so the plan for today was speaking about the topic they had avoided so far, whether Mickey liked it or not. “Hey Mickey.” She greeted as he entered the room and took his usual spot in the corner.  
“Hey.”  
She placed her mug on the armrest of her chair and placed her notebook on her lap.  
“How are you today?”  
“Okay.” That was good. There had been answers like “shitty”, “I don’t know”, “bad” or “not good”. He had been okay about three times before and those sessions had been the ones where they made the biggest progress.  
“Still getting released tomorrow?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Excited?”  
He shrugged. “I guess?”  
She reached for the black box on the coffee table and opened it.  
“Pick a quote.” She said as she put the paper on the table.  
“Thought we’ve done that.”  
“Yes, but I want you to do it again.”  
He sighed but leaned forward and looked at all the sayings in front of him. She had to wait almost fifteen minutes until he picked one. It was “Monsters don’t sleep under your bed. They sleep inside your head.”-Anonymous. Her fingers clenched around the pen she was holding.  
“Why that one?” She asked , trying to sound casual.  
“Just kinda agree.”  
“Do you feel like you have monsters sleeping inside your head?”  
He shrugged. “Sometimes.” And after a little pause he added: “That’s not why I picked it though.”  
“Well, why did you then?”  
He hesitated but finally said: “Ian.”  
“Ian?” That was a new name, someone she hadn’t heard about before but the way Mickey said this name told her it belonged to someone important.  
“Why do you relate this quote to Ian?”  
“He’s bipolar.”  
Oh. That was a rough disease not only for the person who had it but also for the people around them. Or especially for them. And she understood why Mickey connected the quote with this Ian. But who exactly was he?  
“Who’s Ian?”  
“My boyfriend.”  
What? What? Mickey was not straight?! How could this guy who swore more than the devil and was the most badass person she had ever met, be anything but heterosexual? Holy shit! That came really unexpected. Well, just another proof that she should fuck stereotypes. She tried her best at hiding her surprise but felt like failing miserably as she said: “Since when are you together?”  
Jesus, she had hoped to get to the love topic somehow today but she had never expected to happen it this way. Nervously she waited for his answer which she wasn’t sure would come but it did.  
“Hard to tell. First time five or three years. Depends how you count. Now about five months.”  
“You took a break during prison?”  
A sad smile appeared on his face. “Yeah but not really because of prison. It’s complicated.”  
“I would like to hear anyway.”  
Silence.  
June realized she had pushed too far, wanted too much. Yes, he had kind of fully opened up to her by finally telling what he told her but that didn’t mean he was ready to blurt everything out about his love life. She should have known better. She tried again, smoother this time.  
“How did you two meet?”  
“We’ve kinda known each other since we were kids. I mean you just know certain people on South Side. But the first time we really met was when I came to the store he worked at, ready to beat the shit out of him for messing with my sister.”  
“And did you beat the shit out of him?”  
“No, the fucker hid in the back room. Couple days later Mandy called my brothers and me off. Turned out it was just a misunderstanding.”  
“Well and how did you get together?”  
“He came to my house, looking for the gun I stole from his stupid boss. Just kinda went downhill from there.”  
“Downhill meaning what?”  
“We were fuck buddies.”  
“I guess that was a secret?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So that means you’re bisexual or gay?”  
“Gay.”  
She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know but she asked anyway: “Then how was Yevgeny born?”  
There it was. He completely sealed. His shoulders tensed, his eyes hardened, his jaw tightened. Shit.  
She quickly searched for a way to get him back out of his shell and decided to just ask about Ian.  
“Does Ian visit you often?”  
“Every day.” She smiled as she felt her strategy working but also because of that answer.  
“Can you describe him?”  
She didn’t know how he would react. A couple weeks ago he would have told her to fuck off if she had asked a question like this, despite the fact that at that time she had no idea that he was in a relationship with a guy, but today something in his eyes showed her that he actually wanted to talk about Ian.  
“The fuck do you mean? Like the way he looks? Or his character?”  
“Both?”  
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his gaze wandering around, not really focusing as he responded: “He has red hair. Uhm and green eyes,… he’s tall like six feet or some shit… Sometimes he’s very cheery which can be annoying as fuck but there’s also times when he’s down, you know. Because of his bipolar. But he’s on meds so it’s okay. I don’t know… it’s kind of hard to describe his character.”  
Maybe it was because of the way he tried to characterize Ian, or how he couldn’t hide the small smile on his face but somehow she knew that Mickey loved him. And that it was true love. Something only a few people find.  
“Would you show me a photo of him?” She wanted to picture the guy. It occurred to her that he must be the main reason why Mickey had started to open up to her at all. She knew because now, the light that sometimes appeared in his eyes, didn’t fade. It was little but it was there.  
Mickey hesitated but finally gave in as he took out his phone and scrolled through his pictures.  
He stopped and turned it around so she could see the screen. There was Ian sitting on a couch, holding a baby and smiling towards the camera. His hair was red like fire and his jaw clearly defined.  
“Is that Yevgeny in his lap?”  
“Yeah… his mom took it and sent it to me. That was before prison.”  
“Thanks for showing me.”  
He shrugged and put the phone back into his pocket.  
“He looks really nice”, she said and immediately regretted her words as she saw Mickey nod, his eyes on his hands in his lap. She could almost hear him think Too good for me and cursed at herself for being so insensitive. Mickey had been told his whole life that he was worth absolutely nothing and she sometimes forgot that he still thought of himself that way often. Still didn’t believe that he deserved some luck and happiness in his life. And she couldn’t blame him. Life had almost nothing but shit thrown at Mickey. Except Ian.  
“He also grew up on South Side right?”, she asked, trying to distract him from his thoughts.  
“Yeah.”  
“So are you still a secret then?”  
“No.”, Mickey chuckled. He actually chuckled. Holy shit. When he noticed her surprised gaze he explained, “We were a secret for a long fucking time because I was too much of a pussy in terms of my dad.  
Anyway, at Yevgeny’s christening Ian was fed up with having to hide.” He paused and June was afraid he wasn’t going to continue but he did after he cleared his throat. “He was about to leave after he told me we were done. Lead me to coming out in front of the whole fucking bar, my dad sitting at the table in front of me.”  
“What happened?”, She asked and suddenly noticed that she was holding her breath.  
“The obvious, he started beating the shit out of me while screaming about different ways to kill me.”  
“And Ian? What did he do?”  
“Stayed and joined the fight. Some others got involved too. Til the cops came. Terry was locked up again, all happy and shit.”  
“How long? How long was all happy?” She felt that wasn’t just it.  
“Eight hours?”  
“What happened?” God, didn’t this guy get a break at some point?  
“Ian wouldn’t get out of bed, had his first low. Didn’t know he’s bipolar until then. His sister was ready to drag him to some hospital but I wanted him to stay, thought I could handle it.”  
“Bipolar can’t really be handed without medication.”  
“Yeah, things got messy pretty soon. After running away with Yev he finally agreed to go to a psych ward. When he was out again he was on meds but hated them, flushed them down the freakin’ toilet.” She was surprised of how much Mickey was talking. It felt like he needed to tell someone about all this, needed to get it off his soul.  
“We went to the free clinic to get new ones. He took them but got mad at me for nursing him. We fought but figured it out somehow.” There was a sad smile on his face as he went on, as if the following memory was a painful one. “Actually we were about to go on a fucking date. Never did that shit before. But when we entered the house, Sammi, Ian’s bitch of a half-sister or cousin or some shit, was there saying something about Ian would do great in jail and then the MPs appeared and arrested him.”  
“Why?”  
“He was at the army earlier. His first manic phase kicked in so he tried to steal a helicopter, had enlisted under his brother's name because he wasn't eighteen and went AWOL so they were looking for him. Sammi was pissed at Ian’s brother so she sent the MPs after him. Although Ian had nothing to do with her son, kind of innocently, being in juvie.”  
Wow, this was getting confusing.  
“We all visited him in military prison and explain-“  
“Who’s we?”  
“Ian’s siblings and me. We told them he’s bipolar and that he couldn’t be charged. The next day when we arrived there they told us Ian got released into the care of his mom. She’s also bipolar, gave her fucked up genes to Ian. She never stuck to her meds, showed up every couple years messing everything up. I didn’t hear from Ian for a week, thought it was over. Tried to distract myself. Called him like a million times.”  
“How did you try to distract yourself?”  
His hands formed into fists. “Fucked with a girl, later a guy.”  
“And then?”  
“He called out of the blue. Was sitting on the porch of his house when I arrived.” He stopped and seemed to collect himself to say the next sentences.  
“I basically unbosomed my fucking heart, sounded faggy as shit. He broke up with me and then Sammi tried to shoot me and in the end I was locked up.” The last sentence he just mumbled really quickly.  
“Why for attempted murder?” She asked as she remembered their first meeting when he had told her why he had been in prison.  
“Debbie, that's Ian’s younger sister, and I wanted to take some revenge meaning teaching Sammi a lesson. Didn’t intend to kill her but thought she was dead so we put her in her moving crate on the street. Turned out she wasn’t dead but pretty mad at me. Lied to the judge so I would get behind bars for sure. Later they found out and I got released. Was about to leave when my dad showed up. So I landed here.”  
Holy fuck. During the last twenty minutes she had gotten more information about him than in the last three meetings together.  
“What about Ian? How did you get back together?”  
“Apparently he fucked some firefighter for about a year. Then a trans dude. And then he just showed up. I told him to fuck off but he didn’t listen. Came back every day until I gave in.”  
“How did he convince you?”  
“Apologized like a thousand fucking times. Told me all the shit that was going on. Didn’t take much in the end. For me it’s Ian.”  
A shiver went down her spine as he spoke the last words. It was a simple statement but it told so much. Ian had terribly hurt Mickey, had left him after he did everything he could for Ian. But he has still forgiven him because, as he said, for him it’s just Ian. She felt tears sting in the corners of her eyes and her heart ache as a wave of sympathy for him rolled over her.  
They both remained silent for a while, Mickey nervously looking around and June trying to get back to professional mode.  
“For you it’s Ian you said but I’m sure there are other people who love you. Like Iggy and Mandy… And Yevgeny.”  
Mickey slightly lifted his shoulders. “Couldn’t blame him if he didn’t. Couldn’t even look at him first. Only starting to get to really know him now. Since I’m here.”  
“May I ask why?”  
He didn’t answer right away and she thought he wouldn’t but then he started speaking, hurried and quietly, nervous and ashamed. “My dad caught us, Ian and me, together. Beat us up, held a gun at Ian, called a russian whore to fuck me straight. She got pregnant so my dad decided we should marry. Ian wanted me to blow it off. I didn’t-“ He stopped, “Couldn’t. So he left for the army.”  
There was a moment of silence before he continued. “When he came back, I lived at his home. Didn’t want to see Svetlana or Yevgeny. When Ian was depressed the first time we stayed at my family’s place. Grew some kind of weird family with Svet and Yev when he got better. Before the whole psych ward thing.”  
She wanted to throw up. What she just heard blasted her whole image of his father. She had known that he was abusive, evil, psychotic, crucial. But she hadn’t thought that someone would do to his own child what Terry had done to Mickey. Not only did he beat Mickey and his siblings, made them learn the family business meaning drugs and crime by the time they became teenagers, never showed them any kind of love, no he was also responsible for Mickey being raped.  
She didn’t know what to say. How to react. Make it better. Because there was no way of fixing that. After three incredibly long minutes she managed to say: “I have so much respect for you Mickey.”  
He shrugged shyly and that put her over the edge. She couldn’t hold back the tears. Quickly she grabbed a tissue from her pocket and started wiping them away.  
“I’m sorry.”, she said. She had no right to cry. Mickey had. But he didn’t, just stared down to the floor, clearly uncomfortable.  
“Okay, let’s talk about the things ahead of you.”, she said after she was done, “You know that it’s going to be difficult to handle your situation. You will often see you in the need of help and that’s totally okay.” He looked at her like he disagreed but didn’t respond.  
“You will probably feel angry and frustrated from time to time so feel free to contact me at any time. You have my number. Are you going to stay with Ian?”  
“Yes.”  
“Will you be alone or is there other people going to live with you which would be good since Ian also has-”  
He interrupted her, “We’ll stay at his house, at least for now, so there’s gonna be a bunch of people all the time.”  
“Who exactly?”  
“His big sister Fiona, his brother Lip, younger siblings Debbie and Liam. Plus Kev and V live almost next door.”  
“They are taking care of Yevgeny right now, aren’t they?”  
“Yeah, but we would like to take him when… you know we’re… settled.”  
She smiled. “Sounds good.”  
His gaze was dark and contained sadness but she knew she couldn’t take it away. Not right now. This was the kind of feelings he would experience a lot until some day he would hopefully be able to accept his situation.  
“Okay.”, she said and stood up, “We’re done for today.” She held the door open for him to leave. When he was in the hallway she hold him back. “Hey, Mickey.” He turned around and looked at her a questioning look on his face. “Good luck.”


	8. Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We talked about everything else, right?”, she asked which caused him to roll his eyes and answer: “Yeah, like ten times.”  
> “Well, if you have any questions, just call me you have my card. Same goes for Mickey of course. I’m telling you because he won’t call if there’s a problem and you know that, so please try to get him to call me if you feel he should.”  
> “Will try.”

It was ten thirty in the morning when Ian arrived. He looked happy and scared both at the same time, looking forward and afraid of what would happen.  
“Hey, Ian”, She greeted, “How are you?”  
“Nervous to be honest”, he answered and smiled weakly.  
“Who wouldn’t be”, she mumbled so quietly that Ian probably didn’t hear it. She reached into the pocket of her lab coat and took out the bottles with pills she had prepared earlier.  
“These are pain relievers” she said holding the first one up, ”In case he is in pain, he needs to take one pill with liquid. No alcohol, not for swallowing nor with the medication in his system. And not more than three pills a day.”  
“Okay”, Ian said when she handed him the bottle.  
“And here we have the meds for blood dilution. Like I said they prevent a thrombosis.”  
She rattled down the list with all the different pills for Mickey and gave them to Ian who put all the containers into his backpack.  
“We talked about everything else, right?”, she asked which caused him to roll his eyes and answer: “Yeah, like ten times.”  
“Well, if you have any questions, just call me you have my card. Same goes for Mickey of course. I’m telling you because he won’t call if there’s a problem and you know that, so please try to get him to call me if you feel he should.”  
“Will try.”  
“Okay”, she said and they made their way to Mickey’s soon to-be ex-room.  
Mickey was sitting in his wheelchair and looking at his phone when they entered. He looked up and she saw a small smile appear on his face when he spotted Ian.  
“Well, I’ll see you when you head out”, she said before she left them alone. She turned left to walk down the hallway when a movement in the corner of her eye caught her attention. There were windows in the walls next to the doors of the different rooms that allowed to see inside. It was mostly for the doctors and nurses to be able to always check on the patients. Of course you could put down the blinds if you didn’t want people peeking in your room all the time. Mickey’s blinds had always been shut since he was definitely someone who liked to have some privacy. But today he had opened them, probably in the process of getting all his stuff and putting the room back into it’s original shape so she saw what was happening in this room.  
Ian picked up Mickey’s bag that contained all the things that had somehow found their way out of Mickey’s home and inside the hospital. Then he walked to the windows and checked if they were closed while obviously speaking with Mickey although she couldn’t hear them.  
And then he went back to Mickey who was still in the same spot, but now looking at Ian instead of his phone and he bent down until his face was in front of Mickey’s and he kissed him. Wait what?  
She almost dropped her pager that she had pulled out when it had started beeping. Jesus, how had she been so blind?! Mickey and Ian weren’t just best friends. They were a couple. She should have noticed way earlier but she was shocked. She hadn’t seen it, although it had been kind of obvious. But on the other hand she had never seen someone fit the gay stereotype less than those two, especially Mickey. She knew she shouldn’t watch this private moment between them, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. They were so… gentle. Something she rarely saw when it came to Mickey. Both had closed their eyes and Ian cupped his hand around Mickey’s neck as they were kissing slowly. It wasn’t just a peck on the lips but neither was it making out. It was a kiss that screamed true love and she knew that sounded drippy as fuck but she couldn’t describe it differently.  
The beeping pager brought her back to reality and she quickly went down the hallway. It turned out nurse Mary still didn’t know how to use a computer properly so the emergency was at the counter of the entrance to her section and just meant to show Mary how to print a goddamn medical report. She sighed when the sheet finally came out of the printer. Mary was a wonderful nurse when it came to caretaking but terrible at all the formal stuff. She was about to go back to her office when Ian and Mickey came towards her, Ian carrying the bag and Mickey pushing himself down the hallway.  
“There you go”, she said as she walked from behind the counter. Ian opened his arms and they hugged before she turned to Mickey. She didn’t know why she took the risk to hug him as well and was happy when she didn’t get kicked in the guts but hugged back. It was a short one but it was a hug. She noticed that Mickey seemed almost timid. He tried to hide it by putting on his usual serious face but after seeing him everyday for five months, telling him devastating news, changing bandages on hurting wounds and forcing him to do painful physical therapy, he couldn’t fool her. Ian even less of course. He patted Mickey gently on the shoulder.  
“Well bye guys” he said and Mickey also murmured “bye” and then they were gone.

\--  
The sun was already peeking through the window when she woke up. Shit, it must be late then. It was the beginning of December and mostly dark outside. She sighed and got out of bed. A glance at the clock on the nightstand told her it was past eleven. Shit, she was planning on getting a shitload of work done. Since she was trying to manage both the diner and the laundromat she didn’t get much rest and could really use her first day off in months do check all her numbers. A necessary evil that came along with owning shit. The house was quiet as she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and get ready for the second half of the day. Where the fuck was everybody? She got into the shower and fully woke up when the water ran over her head. Lip must be at work, Debbie at Neil’s her new home, Liam was at school, Carl… right Carl was in military school. That was something she still couldn’t wrap her head around. God, she missed him. But she was also proud. Proud that he was ready to make something of himself instead of turning into the South Side cliché.  
And Ian? Where was Ian? Then it hit her. Today was the day. Today Mickey was coming. She sighed again and couldn’t help the smile creeping up her face as she went downstairs and started making herself breakfast. It was crazy what had happened with Ian. After his diagnosis she had been surprised. Surprised by the fact that Mickey stuck around and tried. Tried everything he could to help Ian. And then Ian broke up with him and he was sent to jail and she had tried to think, maybe that’s good. Their relationship didn’t really seem healthy. But then Ian had started dating this firefighter. She had really made effort to understand it, feel happy for him but she just couldn’t see it. Fortunately Ian figured pretty soon that it wouldn’t work out. And then there was Trevor. Someone she had liked from the beginning. Nice, friendly, gentle and Ian seemed happy. Seemed. It wasn’t long until she noticed the cracks. Noticed Ian’s peeks at Trevor’s hands, searching for knuckle tattoos that weren’t there, at his hair that wasn’t black. He would lean to him and kiss him and she would see the disappointment in his eyes because he wasn’t told to fuck off or seeing at least a flinch because they were in public and she would watch Ian giving secret looks waiting for Trevor to return them which never happened. Because it wasn’t Mickey. She had noticed all these things but she had still hoped that Trevor would be able to fill the hole Mickey had left. Ian had been trying to forget Mickey and for a while it had worked. But soon she had figured that their relationship wasn’t much more than sex. Which was pretty funny because as far as she knew Mickey’s and Ian’s relationship had been all about sex in the beginning. Or better it was supposed to be just about sex but turned into more way sooner than any of them would admit while Ian and Trevor had claimed it was all about exploring and love for them but in fact it wasn’t. It became clear to her when Ian went through another depression phase. The meds made them only slightly noticeable, compared to how they would be without pills, but they were there and Trevor didn’t handle that well. He was impatient and pushed Ian to function and pretend everything was normal. He couldn’t accept the fact that Ian was sick and needed space and patience. Of course they started fighting and in the end it had been pretty simple. Lip and Ian saw Mickey at the hospital and a couple weeks later Ian had cut it off with Trevor.  
She would always remember the night when Ian came home and finally looked something like happy again. Later he told her that he worked things out with Mickey. It had lead to a long talk between them and they had spoken about all the shit in their lives. Ian had asked if Mickey could stay with them since Carl and Debbie were out of the house and she had told him that even if they weren’t Mickey would be more than welcome to stay because he was. They fought and were both stubborn as fuck but Ian and Mickey loved each other and the only other couple where she saw that kind of love was between Kev and V. Ian had called around and one day she had stumbled over a guy measuring out their shower when she was about to take one. They had gotten a ramp for the stairs of the porch and Ian had spent hours with moving all their stuff around in order to make it possible for someone in a wheelchair to move around in the house.  
She put eggs into the pan on the stove and turned it on. God, she was hungry. Her glance met the pile of paper sitting on the table in front of her. Waiting to be looked through and checked. She closed her eyes, trying to hide from the upcoming work when she heard the front door opening. She turned around and saw Ian entering the house. Behind him was Mickey.  
He looked exactly the way she remembered him, the same short black hair, of course the same tattoos, the same blue jacket. Only that he was sitting in a wheelchair now. When she stepped closer she could also see that his eyes were different. Less hard, more hurt but at the same time somehow… calmer. He looked at her almost shyly and she couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Mickey would tell her to fuck herself if he knew that she had pity for him so she quickly put on a smile.  
“Hey”, she said and hugged her little brother. Then she turned to Mickey, not sure what to do but decided to just go for it and she hugged him as well. “Welcome back”, she said when she let go and he actually sort of smiled when he answered, “Thanks. Good to be back.” There was an awkward silence for about five seconds until she tried to break the ice by asking, “Anyone hungry? I’m making eggs.” “Sounds good”, Ian said and Mickey nodded so she went back to the kitchen before said eggs could burn. While she was cooking breakfast she couldn’t stop herself from glancing behind her from time to time. Ian helped Mickey out of his jacket and sat down at the couch while Mickey took a spot next to it. They were talking but it was too quiet for her to understand.  
About ten minutes later she had made enough eggs for all of them and called them to join her at the table. She pushed the papers to the side so they would have enough room to put the plates on the table and eat.  
“Holy shit Fi, what’s all this?”, Ian asked and pointed at the mess of documents she had pushed away.  
“Uh, just shit from Patsy’s and the laundromat. Gotta look through it.”  
“Looks like fun.”  
“Uh-um”, she said around a mouthful of eggs.  
Mickey remained silent but she didn’t miss Ian’s hand reaching under the table and squeezing his thigh. He seemed so insecure and it reminded her of the time they had visited Ian in the psych ward and Mickey had been scared shitless by the way the sedated Ian behaved. Now he was the one who was sick. It was like all the progress Mickey had made in terms of accepting himself for who he is and not hiding anymore was gone.  
As soon as they were finished Fiona put the dishes away and sat down at the table again to finally get some work done. Mickey and Ian occupied the living room and started watching some stupid movie. She smiled when she saw them on the couch, leaning against each other. Ian had arranged a shitload of blankets around them. “Mickey’s always cold since…”, Ian had told her a couple weeks ago.  
Two hours later she had barely made any progress and was getting frustrated so she decided to take a break and do some grocery shopping. The eggs had been the last edible thing in the house.  
“Where are you going?”, Ian asked as she passed the couch.  
“Costco.”  
“Do you want me to-“  
“No thanks.”  
“Okay.”  
She could have used some help but Ian and Mickey looked too damn cute to make Ian come with her.

\--  
Mickey dozed off twenty minutes after the movie had started. Ian couldn’t help the smile creeping up his face as he watched his sleeping boyfriend. Mickey was laying half on top of him, head on his chest, arms loosely wrapped around his torso while Ian had put one hand on Mickey’s head, slowly stroking through the black hair. He would have laid there forever but eventually he couldn’t ignore certain needs which were having to pee and taking his meds so he tried to untangle himself from the blankets and Mickey’s limbs around him without waking him up. Of course it didn’t work.  
“Sorry”, he whispered as Mickey opened a sleepy eye. He mumbled something that sounded like “The fuck are you doing” and Ian responded, “taking a piss” before he got off the sofa and went upstairs.  
When he came back the couch was empty and the wheelchair gone. Where the hell was Mickey? Ian looked towards the kitchen and spotted him sitting at the table bending over Fiona’s numbers.  
With a whimsical smile on his face Ian walked behind him and leant over his shoulders. “Since when are you interested in this shit?”  
“I’m not. Just fucking bored.” Ian didn’t believe him but decided not to push. Instead he said, “Well, since you’re busy I’m gonna shower.” Mickey just nodded and Ian rolled his eyes before he placed a kiss on Mickey’s head and went upstairs again.  
Mickey spent all afternoon with his new found work and Ian couldn’t stop grinning as he was writing a shitload of numbers down, the calculator resting untouched next to him because he didn’t need it. Ian was impressed. He had known Mickey was way smarter than he would admit but he hadn’t thought that he would be such a math crack. While he was doing the laundry and cleaned the kitchen acting all housewifely he had an idea. Since the day he had managed to get Mickey to forgive him, he had tried to think of something Mickey could do in order to make a living. His days of scams and dealing were clearly over beside the fact that Ian liked it better if Mickey stayed out of this kind of shit. He knew Mickey would hate the idea of sitting around all day doing nothing. Relying on other people in terms of a home, money and help. Ian couldn’t erase the fact that Mick needed help but he could do something concerning a job. He would talk to Fiona and Kev first but he was sure they would like his idea.

It was nearly 6pm when Fiona came back, carrying tons of bags filled with groceries. Ian quickly took them from her and placed them in the kitchen, were Mickey was still working through the papers, before heading outside with her to get the rest of the bags.  
“Uhm Fiona?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You saw Mick looking through your work shit?”  
“No. Why? He better not make a mess.”  
“I think he’s actually getting it in order and calculating.”  
“What?”  
“Yeah and I thought maybe… he could do all your accounting. And Kev’s. I mean he would help out both of you. Kev and V have been struggling since Svetlana left and he would have something to do since-“  
“I think that’s a great idea.”  
“Yeah? Cool, I’m just gonna go to-“  
“Would I have to pay him?”  
“Uhm-“  
“Kidding, of course I will.”  
Ian smiled. “Thanks, I just think it would help him with… everything.”  
“Yeah, I hope so too.” She patted his shoulder Ian hesitated but asked anyway.  
“Hey, can Kev and V come with the kids? So Mick can see Yev?”  
“Tell them to get their asses over here”, Fiona said grinning.


	9. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gallagher house was already loud when they arrived. Music was playing and Fiona was dancing through the house singing along. V dropped the twins into Liam’s old playpen and immediately joined her. They disappeared into the kitchen and started making dinner and Kev was left alone in the living room. Alone? No, there was Ian and Mickey sitting on the couch a huge bowl with popcorn on Ian’s lap and both of them with a beer in their hands, both without alcohol.

The Gallagher house was already loud when they arrived. Music was playing and Fiona was dancing through the house singing along. V dropped the twins into Liam’s old playpen and immediately joined her. They disappeared into the kitchen and started making dinner and Kev was left alone in the living room. Alone? No, there was Ian and Mickey sitting on the couch a huge bowl with popcorn on Ian’s lap and both of them with a beer in their hands, both without alcohol.  
“Hey!” Kev said and slumped into the armchair next to them, “Look Yev who’s here. Mickey’s here. That’s your dad.” And with these words Kev handed Yevgeny over to his father who hugged him tightly.  
Kev’s chest felt warm as he watched the two men caress their son. Sure, he and V had been the ones taking care of him since Svetlana took off but they had immediately agreed when Ian had asked them to let Mickey and him take him. He loved that kid but it wasn’t like he wouldn’t see him anymore. He would just be two doors down the street and Kev knew Yev was in good hands. His dad hadn’t even been able to look at his son at first but now no one could miss the love in Mickey’s eyes when he looked at Yevgeny, let alone Ian who had taken him to his heart the second he was born.  
“Kev!”, V interrupted his thoughts as she yelled at him from across the room and he lifted his head right in time to see the beer bottle flying through the air and catch it.  
“Thanks!”, he yelled back and then turned to the sound system to put on some of his music. The good shit.

It was already dark outside when he came home but the house was still full of life although it was quiet. He saw Kev, V, Mickey and Ian all laying on the couch and Fiona in the armchair. They were watching “Django Unchained” and Lip smirked at the sight of some of his favorite people in front of him. Fiona was sleeping, her mouth slightly open while Kev, V and Ian barely paid attention to the movie and talked quietly. Lip’s eyes stopped on Mickey. His head was resting on Ian’s shoulder and his eyes were closed. He looked more relaxed than Lip had ever seen him and on his lap there was something curled up. Someone. He took a closer look. It was Yev. Lip held back a laugh. Holy shit, his brother and Mickey were so fucking domestic. He couldn’t help feeling happy for them. These two had gone through an incredible amount of shit and especially Mickey was still going to but in this moment they could just lie here. No hiding, no worrying about Ian’s bipolar or Mickey’s wheelchair, just being together. A little family among a big one.  
“Okay now I just gotta ask him”, he heard Ian saying and stepped closer.  
“Ask who what?”, he said and Kev nearly jumped off the couch as he heard him.  
“If Mickey’s gonna help us out with the numbers of the bar. According to Ian he’s pretty good with this shit”, he answered Lip after he had recovered from his shock.  
“Wait, you say Mickey’s a math nerd? Mickey?”  
Ian punched him in the side, “Don’t act so fucking surprised. He’s gonna do the accounting for Patsy’s, the laundromat and the Alibi so shut the fuck up.”  
“If he says yes”, Kev pleaded.  
“Should talk to him about all the great ideas we have on our minds since he’s such a smartass”, Lip teased, earning him another punch from Ian. “Could you at least stop being a dick when Mick’s awake?”, he asked and Lip wouldn’t admit it now but no he wouldn’t be a dick to Mickey. Not anytime soon, not with Mickey’s given situation. Hell, even he had his limits of acting like a douche bag.  
He took one of the chairs from the kitchen and joined the group in the living room. God, it was good to be around these people. Sure, Car and Debbie were missing and fuck he missed Carl, but V and Fiona were best friends again. And there was no Frank being an annoying asshole, no Monica messing all their lives up and no Trevor trying to make Ian something he wasn’t. Instead there was Mickey. Someone he had hated for so long and he had never understood why his brother stayed with him. Now he knew better. Mickey had grown in so many ways but he was still the same guy who Ian had fallen in love with. It had taken him a lot of time until he could see the good sides of Mickey. They had always been there but he had only shown these to very few people, mainly Ian.  
Kev passed the bowl of chips to him and he grabbed a handful while listening to Kev’s story about some new guy who had come to the bar and puked all over the floor. “Guy was a fucking lightweight but thought he owned the world. Couldn’t even bring him to clean his own vomit off the floor.”  
“So you played housemaid?” Lip asked in a taunting voice and Kev flipped him off, “Well not everybody can drink as much as you.”  
“Yeah because most people aren’t alcoholics.”  
“True” Kev admitted, “but Mickey’s not and I bet he could still beat you in a battle.”  
“Not happening.”  
“Better not” V said sending a glare at Lip who quickly held up his soda which was absolutely non-alcoholic.  
They continued watching a movie while rather listening to Kevin ramble about all the shit he has seen in the bar in the eternity he has been working at the Alibi. “But I must say his coming out”, he pointed towards Ian’s sleeping boyfriend, “was the best and most shocking thing I’ve ever seen.”  
Lip chuckled. Yeah he could imagine that even though he had only been told the story by Ian and not actually been there.

About half an hour later Ian decided it was time for them to go to bed. He carefully picked Yevgeny up so he wouldn’t wake him and gave him to Kev. He wished Yev could stay but they had to get things in order with Mickey before they started taking care of a little child. Kev and V said their good byes and left. Lip also stood up waved Ian good night and went upstairs so it was only them and sleeping Fiona.  
Okay now he had to get Mickey upstairs. Fiona and him had talked about getting a stair lift but had settled against it. There just wasn’t enough room but more importantly Mickey would feel beyond ashamed sitting on a chair that slowly would bring him up and down the stairs. The only other option though was being carried. Something Mickey didn’t like either but was way faster than a stair lift and therefore less humiliating.  
Ian gently shook Mickey up but he was so tired that he didn’t protest when Ian charily pushed his arms under Mickey’s body and lifted him into a sitting position. Then he crouched in front of the couch his back facing Mickey. “Put your arms around my neck and hold on” he said and Mickey did it. Now Ian took Mickey’s legs in his hands and wrapped them around his waist holding them tightly because Mickey couldn’t grip them around Ian himself anymore. He felt his warm breath at the back of his neck as he carried him upstairs. It didn’t take much effort for him since he had been working out like half of his life and Mickey was quite short. He was warm against his back and Ian loved the way Mickey held on tightly to him. When they reached the bedroom Lip had ceded to them he carefully laid Mickey down on the bed before he warily pulled off his clothes. Mickey was almost asleep his eyes only half open and he didn’t resist Ian’s motions at all. After he had brushed his teeth Ian crawled into the bed with Mickey and put his arm around his waist spooning him. God, he had waited for this so long. Sleeping in the same bed with Mickey again, being around him, feeling him.  
White had forced him to quit smoking because it was too risky with his paralysis. At first Ian had thought it would never work but since Mickey had barely been able to smoke in prison and not at all in the hospital it actually wasn’t that hard for him. And Ian was going to make sure that Mickey didn’t get hold of a smoke again. So now he didn’t smell like cigarettes anymore. He smelled like Ian’s favorite shampoo, a hint of the shot Jack Daniel’s he had downed earlier, before Ian was able to stop him, and just Mickey. He smelled like home.


	10. Examination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, how bad has Kev messed up his finances?” he asked trying to keep the relaxed stage, Mickey was obviously in, as long as possible.  
> “Okay, actually. Svet wasn’t shit at this either. Has worked out a whole fucking system so it’s kinda easy. Still takes a shitload of time.”  
> “Anyhow that has to wait” Ian said glancing at his watch. If he wanted or not, they had to go. “We gotta meet with White in like half an hour.”  
> Just as he had assumed the corners of Mickey’s mouth went down the second he heard that.

Two days later Ian dragged Mickey to the hospital. He had a bunch of doctors appointments which Mickey didn’t want to go to at all but it wasn’t like Ian would let him skip. After his morning shift he came to the Alibi and found his boyfriend sitting at one of the tables bending over a mess of papers and gnawing at the pen he was holding.  
“Hasn’t moved since he came here at 10am” Kev said who was standing behind the bar and drying glasses, “Who knew that he’s so clever.”  
“He’s always been the brain of the shit he and his brothers pulled” Ian responded and made his way up to Mickey. He placed a kiss on the black hair and gently rubbed his shoulder. Mickey turned around to face Ian and smiled. Something that rarely happened since prison and later hospital.  
He felt a sting at the thought that he was about to wipe that smile away by taking him to said hospital now.  
“Hey, how bad has Kev messed up his finances?” he asked trying to keep the relaxed stage, Mickey was obviously in, as long as possible.  
“Okay, actually. Svet wasn’t shit at this either. Has worked out a whole fucking system so it’s kinda easy. Still takes a shitload of time.”  
“Anyhow that has to wait” Ian said glancing at his watch. If he wanted or not, they had to go. “We gotta meet with White in like half an hour.”  
Just as he had assumed the corners of Mickey’s mouth went down the second he heard that.  
“Hey, it’s just routine and it won’t be often soon” he tried to cheer him up but knew he wouldn’t be successful.  
“Don’t fucking need that shit” he muttered but put his jacket on and let Ian wheel him towards the door. It worried him. This behavior of Mickey showed hopelessness and resignation. He could handle protesting and grumpy Mickey but this was alarming.  
“See you guys” Kev said and Ian nodded to him before they exited the bar.  
They went to the Milkovich house because Iggy had promised him to not use the car that day so Ian could drive them downtown. He knew well enough to keep himself busy with checking his phone and not watching Mickey getting into the passenger seat. It was clear that he was still in pain and had trouble to get into the car but Ian was aware that he didn’t want help. Mickey felt humiliated by his condition and the last thing he wanted was other people helping him with stupid shit like getting in a fucking car. Ian knew that and he understood.  
When Mickey had managed to switch seats Ian took the wheelchair and put it into the trunk before he sat down behind the steering wheel.  
At the first crossroads he remembered the Snickers bar he had bought for Mickey earlier, reached into his pocket and gave it to him. Mickey seemed surprised by the gesture but took his little gift murmuring “Thank you” and giving him a small smile.  
“You’re welcome” he answered and smiled back. And then he started telling him about his day while Mickey ate his bar and Ian knew he liked it when he just talked about all sorts of random stuff. Mickey really listened to his stories. Whenever Ian started rambling over the things going through his mind he noticed how Mickey pretended to not give a shit while he was in deed intently listening. He sensed how his boyfriend began to feel more at ease and it filled his heart with fondness additionally to the warm feeling in his chest that occurred whenever he looked at him.  
But when Ian pulled into the parking lot of the Cook County Hospital Mickey’s slightly better mood was gone again.  
He put the wheelchair next to Mickey’s seat so he could get in but pretended to be texting while Mickey adjusted himself. Then he grabbed the handles of the wheelchair and pushed Mickey through the glass doors into the lobby. He knew the only reason why Mickey let him do that was that he had still problems with grabbing things tightly because of the bones Terry had broken at his last attempt to beat him to death.

They reached the third floor and went towards White’s section where the doctor was already standing at the counter waiting for them.  
“Hey” she greeted them, giving them an honest bright smile as if she was really happy to see them, “how are you?”  
“Quite good actually, thanks” Ian replied.  
“Okay” was Mickey’s answer.  
“How are you?” Ian asked while White directed them into a medical checkup room.  
“I’m alright. Just have some really whiny patients who overreact all the time.” She closed the door and pointed towards a chair in the corner, “please have a seat”, before she sat down herself.  
“Well Mickey how is it with the pain?” she asked, Mickey’s medical folder sitting on her lap. Ian was grateful that White didn’t beat around the bush and just asked directly. Mickey hardly opened up to people but it was even worse when they pretended to care by doing small talk. White did care and also knew Mickey better than he would admit. And Ian knew Mickey trusted her which was more he had originally been able to hope for.  
“I’m okay. Doesn’t hurt much anymore.”  
Ian could hear the lie in his words and he also hadn’t missed Mickey wincing as he changed his position in bed during the last couple days. Mickey was in pain he just didn’t admit it and refused to take the painkillers. Deep down in Mickey there was still something left of the views Terry had burned into his son’s mind. That he couldn’t show weakness. And that he deserved pain. It killed Ian that he sometimes still held on to this shit but he also knew Mickey couldn’t help it. He had come a fucking long road at accepting himself but hadn’t fully done it yet and now his new situation made it even harder.  
Ian was pretty sure White didn’t believe Mickey either but she just nodded and wrote something in the folder before she said, “Okay now I’m going to examine you. Please lay down and undress except underwear. Let me know when you’re ready, I’m waiting outside.” Ian stood up to follow her but Mickey grabbed his wrist and held him back. His heart jumped a little as he felt his grip around his arm pleading him to stay. White was gone and Ian pushed Mickey to the stretcher on the wall and tightened the wheelchair’s breaks. Mickey hold on to the top of the stretcher and pushed himself up out of the chair and onto the stretcher. He grabbed his legs that were hanging off the edge and placed them on the blue fabric which covered the stretcher. Then he took of his jacket and the sweater underneath and put them over the wheelchair. Ian grabbed the lower end of Mickey’s shirt and gently pulled it over his head. The surgeries were about five months ago but he knew that it still hurt.  
They didn’t speak. Mickey had never been a chatty person and Ian was the one who would be constantly talking about literally anything but they’ve always also had their quiet moments in which they didn’t feel like making conservation. Didn’t need it. Because they understood each other without words.  
As Ian got the shirt off of Mickey he revealed the big scars that covered his torso. He had seen them before but every time he laid his eyes on them he felt a twitch in his guts. Terry was responsible for these marks, the ones he had caused himself and and the others from the surgeries. One big scar was on his side, reaching from his ribcage to his hip. Two others were on his back, created when the doctors had fixed what they could of Mickey’s spine. There were more scars all over his body, old and newer ones but Ian didn’t mind it. He actually liked them because they were a part of Mickey and because were his skin hadn’t been destroyed it was soft and even. Ian remembered the countless times he had watched White or a nurse change the bandages on Mickey’s wounds. In the beginning he had seen so much blood that he had thought Mickey was about to bleed out again. He also remembered the physiotherapy sessions during which Mickey’s legs were moved in order to keep the muscles from completely degenerating. His face grimaced with pain as the doctor bent his legs. Mickey couldn’t walk anymore or even move his legs but he still had sensation in them.  
Mickey started shivering as soon as the shirt was gone although it was quite warm in the room. Reacting more sensitive to temperature was one of the many side affects of his disease.  
He unzipped his jeans and tried to get them off his legs but struggled at his knees so Ian carefully did it for him. Careful. Wary. Gentle. These words sometimes were still kind of new for him when it came to his relationship with Mickey. In the early stages everything between them had been rough and sometimes violent. That had begun to change as Mickey had slowly started allowing him to be gentle. Something completely new to Mickey at that time. Step by step their interactions had become softer. Now they still had their rough moments but it was mostly in form of words, not being serious, and the violence was completely gone. Now they caressed each other, interwined their hands. He could run his fingers over Mickey’s back tracing invisible lines on his pale skin without being told to fuck off. Mickey even initiated these things himself sometimes. Only when they were alone but he had come so far. They had come so far and he was fucking happy. Yeah, they had their struggles, there would be fights and problems but they had each other. That was what mattered.  
Mickey laid on the stretcher only in his boxers, clearly feeling exposed and uncomfortable.  
“Hey” Ian said and put his hand over Mickey’s, “it’s not gonna take long.”  
He called White in and she started to check on Mickey.

 

It was the first time that Ian stayed while she examined Mickey who had never wanted anyone else to be in the room when she did. So she was surprised when Ian didn’t leave but stood next to Mickey.  
“Okay Mickey, please turn left” she said. He did and she started to inspect the scar his father’s knife had caused. She could still see the strength Terry had pushed the blade into the skin with but it looked like it was healing properly.  
“Does that hurt?” she asked carefully squeezing the scar.  
Mickey was laying on his side his back turned towards her. Ian was sitting on the other side of the stretcher so Mickey could see him. So when Mickey answered, “No” she sent a look at Ian who nodded reassuringly which told Mickey’s face didn’t flinch in pain so he wasn’t lying.  
She went on to the scars on his back and this time he winced as she put her hand on the damaged skin. Trying to be as gentle as possible she examined Mickey’s lower back. He let out choked moans of pain and flinched as she came to certain spots but finally they were done and she could leave him alone.  
While Mickey got dressed with Ian’s help and back into the wheelchair while she wrote down the results of her examination. The scars looked okay and it was normal that they still hurt but she also needed to know about the pain caused by the paralysis itself whether Mickey liked it or not.  
She sat down again and both guys joined her.  
“Mickey you can’t feint me. Pain is totally normal in a situation like yours. But you have to tell me about it so we can do something.”  
He looked down in his lap when he answered, “Uhm… Kinda hard to tell. It’s not certain spots. More like…”  
“Like a dull pain everywhere in the lower part of your body?”  
“…yeah.”  
“Well, whenever you feel like it hurts too much I want you to take the pain relievers that I gave to Ian in addition to the meds you already take. It won’t help much though. This kind of pain is common in terms of paralysis but it’s still unknown what exactly causes it. But with proper therapy it should get better over time.”  
She saw his jaw tightening and Ian’s hand squeezing his knee.  
It was already time for dinner when they got back. They had spent several hours at the hospital. Seen a shitload of different doctors, waiting for eternities in between. Ian was tired but Mickey was exhausted. Since he was paralyzed he lacked of energy and the new mix of medication did the rest.  
Slowly Ian pushed Mickey up the ramp onto the porch and they entered the house.  
Mickey clearly was beyond tired but he would have to eat so Ian wheeled him to the kitchen. Fiona was sitting at the table with a guy he didn’t know. He had dark brown hair, was tall and muscular.  
“Hey!” Fiona greeted them, “Where you this long at the hospital.”  
Ian nodded, “Don’t ask.” He grabbed two plates out of the cupboard.  
“There’s leftovers from supper in the red plastic box” Fiona said to Mickey who was looking through the fridge to find something edible.  
“What is it?” Ian asked and Mickey opened the box. “Pizza.”  
“Wanna eat on the couch?”  
“Fuck yes.”  
Mickey took the pizza out and put it on the plates Ian was holding who put them into the microwave.  
“By the way who’s that? Thought tinder’s all about swipe fuck leave” Ian asked while they waited for their dinner to be ready. Fiona shot a glare at him but answered, “That’s Ryan. We met at the diner. Ryan that’s Ian and Mickey.” Mickey raised a hand to greet him and Ian said, “Please keep the noises down we’re fucking tired.” The microwave beeped and he took the pizza out.  
Ryan looked at Fiona eyebrows raised. “That’s my lovely family” Fiona said fake smiling and her date grinned. “Nice to meet you guys.”  
“Where’s Lip?” Mickey asked grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge. “At Sierra’s. Their nothing-serious-policy is obviously changing. Don’t get food on the couch!” She yelled the last sentence as Ian and Mickey made their way to the sofa and got themselves comfortable.

“Sorry about that” she said but Ryan shook his head, “I know the fun of teasing siblings. Got four of them. Well, I assume he’s your brother.”  
“He is” she answered and silently added and that’s the only reason I let him get away with shit like that. But on the other hand Lip, Ian or Carl being a dick or Debbie a bitch towards the guys she brought home was the perfect way to test them. They had to be abled to handle the Gallagher family otherwise they couldn’t be a match. Fortunately Ryan had passed this first test.  
“What were they doing at the hospital?” He asked now taking a zip from his beer.  
“Mickey had to see a bunch of doctors. Wheelchair is quite new.”  
“They must be really good friends.”  
She smiled. “They’re a couple.”  
“Oh.” The expression on Ryan’s face was something that could be described as slightly disgusted. “What you got a problem with that?” she growled. Okay this was definitely a deal breaker. The blacklist of the whole Gallagher family included racists, self-regarded machos, using drug addicts, lying car thieves, bitchy musicians, fleeing fathers of the own child, cheating bitches and homophobes.  
“No” he answered, “not at all.” But she could see the lie in his eyes. “Just never met any gay people before.”  
“Well they’re not different from any other people” she snorted. God, this date was turning into shit.  
“Sorry if I was raised in a very Christian environment” he defended himself and she couldn’t hold back a bitter laugh. “You should leave.”  
“What? No! I-”  
“We don’t need homophobic assholes in this house” she interrupted him, stood up, grabbed his jacket that was hanging over his chair and threw it at him, “Out!”  
“Hey I’m not homoph-“, he started to protest but she pushed him towards the door and outside, “Okay okay I’m going!” She shut the door and leaned against the old wood. It had been going so well. But it was like it was she just had a talent to pick the wrong guys. I should go to bed she thought. The laundromat and Patsy’s didn’t run themselves. Mickey doing the paperwork didn’t mean she could relax. She looked towards the living room where Ian and Mickey were sitting on the couch. They had finished their pizza and she saw Ian swallowing his meds before he prepared Mickey’s pills. She sighed. They had been through hell and back and had still managed it. No matter what happened they had always found back to each other. Because they loved each other. They hurt each other, fought, struggled but they also helped one another, picked up the pieces they were broken into, did everything for the other. None of them, not even Lip could deny that these two were soulmates.  
She watched as Ian gently shook Mickey to wake him up and gave him meds and a glass of water. Mickey took both and downed the pills and the water and handed the glass back to Ian. He looked groggy as fuck and it reminded her of the time Ian had been the one laying in bed all day feeling shitty and having to go to the doctor. She was moved by the way they took care of each other no matter what kind of shit life threw at them.  
Would she ever find someone? Someone who would be to her what Mickey was to Ian?  
Her bed felt wide and empty when she laid down and fell into an uneasy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I named the guy Fiona has a date with Ryan before she met this guy who sold her the apartment building. So it's an absolute coincidence that my OC's name is Ryan too. Just to make things clear, I actually like the Ryan on the real show.


	11. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, you’re the one calling it a date”, Ian started and Mickey said, “Fuck you.”  
> “But yeah a date was the intention and I think it worked pretty well.”  
> “You’re such an idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because we all got our hearts smashed in 05x10 when they were planning to go on their first date.

Like every Tuesday Ian waited in the hallway for Mickey to come out of Dr. Newman’s office. He was looking through some weird magazine about cooking because of the lack of other options but actually found some recipes that sounded okay-tasting when the door to his right opened and Mickey appeared in the frame.  
“The fuck are you looking at?” Mickey asked as he saw the magazine on Ian’s knees.  
“Good to see you too” Ian answered and grinned as Mickey mumbled, “Yeah you too.”  
“Hey did you know there are seeds called quinoa? Apparently they’re a superfood. Maybe we should get some.”  
“And shove money into these faggy hipster pants that sell shit like that? Fuck no.”  
“Still not the organic type?” Ian smiled and placed a kiss on Mickey’s head who flipped him off.  
“Hello Ian”, another voice said. Ian looked up and saw Dr. Newman standing behind his boyfriend, “Can I talk to you for a second?”  
“Sure.” Every now and then she called him into her office to tell him how Mickey was doing and ask him a few questions. Although she never really revealed what Mickey said exactly. This was between patient and therapist, he knew that from his own visits to his psychiatrist. But today Ian had something to talk about as well.  
“Wait for me here okay?” he asked Mickey who was looking for something else than a cooking magazine to read.  
“It’s not like I would come very far.” Ian rolled his eyes as he heard that but also smiled. Mickey was slowly getting used to the fact that he couldn’t walk and sometimes he would even make a joke about it. Something Ian was more than glad about because it meant Mickey was doing better. It had worried him how Mickey acted the first months after his diagnosis but he was becoming his old self again apart from the increasing number of gentle gestures which Ian definitely wanted to keep.  
“So what do you want to talk to me about?” he asked when the doctor and him sat down in her office. She looked at him and seemed to be hesitating which he had never seen before. Newman was what he would describe as a woman who would rarely show it but was tough as fuck and definitely not a pussy when it came to embarrassing topics.  
“Uhm… I asked Mickey about it but as I suspected he said it is none of my business and I would say he’s right and I shouldn’t even talk about this to you but-“ she started and Ian interrupted her by saying, “What?”  
“I really don’t want to barge into this part of your life but have you- have you had sexual intercourse since you got back together?”  
Oh. That really was none of her fucking business but he knew that Newman must have her reasons to ask something like this.  
“Uhm no. I thought I should wait until he wants to… When he’s in less pain and you know… ready. Why?” Sure he missed the sex with Mickey. They were absolutely great in bed but he had lived without it for four years until he made up with him. He didn’t mind waiting another six months or longer since all he wanted was Mickey to recover and especially with all the cuddling and kissing it wasn’t so hard to abstain from actual sex.  
“Well glad to hear you’re willing to wait until he’s ready”, she said and wrote something on the paper in her lap, “but even when he’ll eventually say he is he might not be.”  
“What exactly do you mean?”  
“You know that Mickey has very low self-respect although he doesn’t really show it.”  
He nodded, hell yeah he knew that.  
“So when you actually do have sex it could be the case that in fact he feels really uncomfortable and won’t tell you. The fact that he couldn’t stop you if he wanted to at least not in the way he used to be able to could make it difficult for him. Even if he doesn’t want you to stop. I believe that the feeling of being extradited could be triggering for him. That’s why I’m asking you to really pay attention to his behavior when you’re about to sleep with each other. And you should-“  
“Stop as soon as it becomes too much for him” he said before she could finish her sentence, “Of course I will.” He was mad that she even felt the need to tell him that.  
“Yes, I wasn’t assuming you wouldn’t I just wanted to tell you that he might not be ready even if he thinks he is and actually wants it. It could take years.”  
He nodded. “Yeah I know. Is there anything else?”  
“No that’s all thank you. See you next week?”  
“Actually I also have something I want to talk to you about.”  
“Yeah, what is it?”  
Now it was him who hesitated. “I… I thought maybe Yevgeny can live with us. But I wanted to ask you before.”  
She looked at him, smiling. “I think that’s a good idea.”  
“Yeah?”  
She nodded, “Yes.”  
“Okay… then… until next week” he answered as he got up and left the small room.  
“Took you long enough” Mickey said and put his phone in his pocket. It was only a short look at him but Ian didn’t miss the insecurity in his eyes as Mickey asked, “I’m fucking hungry let’s grab some food on the way back.” He avoided Ian’s gaze and pushed himself towards the exit. Ian quickly went with him and grabbed the handles of the wheelchair.  
Mickey probably knew exactly why Dr. Newman had called him into her office and he for sure didn’t like it.  
“Thanks” Mickey murmured quietly and Ian gave him his gloves out of the little pocket at the back of his seat.  
They got into the car again and Mickey motioned at the snack bar at the L stop they were passing suggesting it as a place to eat but he had a better idea.  
“Where are we going? South Side is the opposite way!”, Mickey protested as Ian turned left.  
“I know but you said you’re hungry and so am I.”  
“So?”  
“So we’re getting something to eat.”  
“Jesus fucking Christ” Mickey responded and gave up. He probably knew that Ian wouldn’t tell him were they were going and he was right. He had just gotten the idea and wasn’t sure if Mickey would agree if he knew.  
About ten minutes later Ian stopped the car and parked it in front of a small but decent looking restaurant.  
“The fuck” Mickey said but Ian just pushed him inside, ignoring his protests.  
“Hey”, a smiling waitress greeted them, “Please follow me.” She lead them to a table at the window and quickly removed one of the chairs so Mickey could sit there.  
“My name is Cara and I’m your waitress for today. Would you like to order anything to drink already?”  
Mickey sent him a death glare but Ian just smiled at him and the waitress and answered, “Yeah, water for me please.”  
She nodded and turned to Mickey, “And for you?”  
“The same.”  
“Okay, here are your menus. I’ll be right back with your drinks.” She disappeared into the kitchen and Ian looked around. He had seen this place before. It was almost downtown and he had passed it a couple times but he had never been inside before. The room wasn’t big but very cozy with walls painted in a light grey, little armchairs with cushions on them instead of usual chairs, small lamps all over the place which spread warm light. It wasn’t super busy but not empty either but fortunately they had the corner they were sitting in pretty much all for themselves.  
“You didn’t just drag me on a date” Mickey interrupted his thoughts and Ian looked at him. He tried to hide it but Mickey’s eyes were definitely smiling and finally even the corners of his mouth went upwards.  
“Well, you’re the one calling it a date”, Ian started and Mickey said, “Fuck you.”  
“But yeah a date was the intention and I think it worked pretty well.”  
“You’re such an idiot.”  
Ian opened the menu, “Shut up and pick a dish.”  
His boyfriend mumbled something he didn’t understand but started looking through the different foods.  
“What the hell is penne arrabiata?” Ian asked and was pretty surprised when he got an answer.  
“It’s pasta with a spicy tomato sauce. It’s Italian.”  
He couldn’t hold back his smile. He had known Mickey for so long and he still could surprise him.  
“How do you know shit like that?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Don’t know. Ate it a couple times when dad took us dining and dashing, it tastes good.”  
“Well if you say so I’ll take it.” Ian closed his menu. “What about you?”  
“Risotto.”  
“What?”  
“Jeez Ian it’s rice. Italian rice dish.”  
Ian grinned and Cara came to their table balancing a tray with two glasses of water and placed them in front of them. “Well, are you ready to order?”

They had a fucking good time. Mickey loosened up after a little while and they just talked. Talked about movies, music, their siblings. Ian loved it and he could tell that Mickey enjoyed it too. He was more relaxed than ever and had a constant smile on his face. Not his shit eating smirk. No, his real smile that he only reserved for Ian and sometimes Yev. They were done with eating and talking about the worst movies they had ever seen and had just Cara taking their plates away when Ian said, “Are you serious? You watched Frozen?!”  
“Fuck off, Mandy was blocking the TV and that stupid ass movie was on.”  
“And you had nothing better to do than to stay and watch it?” Ian chuckled and Mickey flipped him the bird.  
“Shut up you obviously watched it too.”  
And Ian decided to take the opportunity and talk about the topic he had been dancing around during the last couple weeks.  
“Speaking of movies for children”, he started and stared at Mickey who was finishing his water, “Uhm… What do you think about Yev living with us?”  
Mickey stopped and looked at him. His eyes filled with excitement. “You mean now?”  
Ian nodded.  
“Yeah”, Mickey gasped, “Yeah!”

It was only eight pm when they arrived at the Gallagher house but darkness had already taken over the streets and it was freezing cold. A few houses in the street had Christmas lights in their windows because Christmas was right around the corner.  
Debbie was running through the living room yelling something about a lost toy from Franny when they came through the front door.  
“Hi Debs!” Ian said but his little sister ignored him.  
“Teens” Mickey chuckled.  
“Teen moms” Fiona corrected as she came down the stairs, “We already ate but there’s-“  
“Don’t worry we had dinner already”, he grinned, “I took Mickey on a date. Our first one.”  
She smirked and Mickey flipped both of them off.  
“Movie night?” Fiona asked and they nodded. Maybe there weren’t as many Gallaghers in the house as there used to be but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have a good old Gallagher movie night. Plus, less people made choosing a movie a lot easier. His big sister went into the kitchen and got chips and drinks for everybody and they all sat down on the couch. Liam joined them too only Debbie kept running around and blocking the TV. Fiona sighed, “Jeez Debs, she can sleep without it for Christ’s sake!”  
“Yeah but it’s the only one she has since I don’t have any money!” Debbie answered still looking for her daughter’s stuffed animal.  
“We have like a hundred different old animals from Liam” Ian said, “I’ll get them from the attic for you. But only if you sit down and let us watch the damn movie.”  
That connived Debbie and she slumped into the old armchair and shut up.  
Tonight it was the girls who were the most tired people and as soon as the credits appeared on the screen Fiona took Liam and went upstairs with him to get ready for bed. Debbie followed them about five minutes later which left Ian and Mickey who were both wide awake alone on the sofa.  
“Inglorious basterds?” Ian asked and sent a questioning look at Mickey.  
“Hell yes.”  
Ian popped the movie in and they watched Christoph Waltz being a giant nazi asshole, Michael Fassbender and some German guy shooting each others’ dicks off and Brad Pitt trying to speak Italian. They had watched this movie very often already. But every time it was great.  
And when it was over Ian got up and took Mickey on his back and they went upstairs. After they had brushed their teeth they went to their bedroom and Ian let Mickey down onto the bed.  
Before he could turn around to get some sweats Mickey held him back and pulled him down. Their faces were only an inch apart and Ian closed the distance as he pressed his lips on Mickey’s. He was laying on top of him, covering his smaller body their legs tangled together. Ian noticed how Mickey parted his lips and he deepened the kiss, trying to be as close as possible to Mickey.  
His hands were all over Mickey’s body, feeling his hips, his arms, chest, neck. Reexploring every part of him although he knew Mickey almost better than himself. He could have kissed him for hours, just feeling Mickey’s lips on his, smelling and tasting him. But his boyfriend had other plans. Suddenly he felt Mickey’s hands on his chest starting to unbutton his shirt, struggling because his fingers hurt from the movement. Ian stopped the kiss and opened his eyes.  
They just stared at each other and Ian could see a mix of different emotions in Mickey’s eyes. There was happiness and hope and fear and nervousness and excitement.  
“Are you sure?” he whispered and Mickey nodded. “Yeah.”  
“Okay.” And Ian closed his eyes again and lowered his head until their lips touched before he gently grabbed Mickey’s hands which were still resting on his chest and took them off. Then he unbuttoned his shirt himself and dropped it on the floor next to the bed. He could feel Mickey’s hands tracing over his skin, leaving heat wherever they touched him. Trying to not get lost in the different world Mickey was putting him in he grabbed the lower end of his boyfriend’s shirt and pulled it over his head their lips only parting for a split second before crashing back together. It wasn’t heated, not in a we’re-horny-as-fuck way. It was gentle and slow. They were enjoying every moment and didn’t feel the need to rush. Ian undressed them both step by step until they were only in their boxers.  
His chest almost hurt, his heart bursting of the feeling of love and letting it crawl into every cell of his body, making it hard for him to breathe.  
Suddenly he noticed how cold Mickey’s skin was were he wasn’t touching him so he reached behind him with one hand and pulled the blanket over their bodies. As soon as he put his hand on the back of Mickey’s neck he could feel him leaning into him even more.  
But he was unsure how to continue. Mickey seemed pretty damn comfortable right now and even said he wanted to but he remembered Dr. Newman’s words. If they went too far too soon it could be too much for Mickey. And the last thing he wanted was to hurt him.  
Ian could feel Mickey’s heart beating fast with his hand laying on his chest. He could feel Mickey’s fingers in his hair and on his side right beside the eagle tattooed there. Making it impossible for him to think straight. He knew he was ready and he felt like Mickey was ready too. And they would never know if it was okay if they didn’t try right? So he pulled away again and opened his eyes to not miss any signs telling him about Mickey’s emotions. He needed him to be sure about this.  
“What?” Mickey asked now also opening his eyes.  
“Are you sure you want to Mick?”  
“Yeah.”  
He tried to read in Mickey’s eyes to figure out if there was the slightest bit of a lie in his words but couldn’t find anything except truth.  
“Okay but I need you to tell me if you want to stop” he replied.  
Mickey resisted his gaze and nodded, “Okay.”  
They closed their eyes again and his mouth found Mickey’s. Slowly he began tracing his hands down Mickey’s body beneath him, feeling his smooth skin under his finger tips only interrupted by his many scars. He reached the waistband of his boxers and Mickey’s breath hitched as he pulled them off.  
When he had removed his own as well he prepared both of them for what was about to come next. Mickey remained silent eyes closed but Ian could feel him flinch as he moved closer. He froze.  
“Maybe we should wait.”  
Mickey opened his eyes and shook his head, “No.”  
“We got all the time we want. Waiting a little longer won’t hurt.” He chose his words carefully not wanting to pressure him.  
Mickey didn’t respond looking away lips pressed to a thin line.  
“Hey”, he tried to save the situation, “let’s just keep doing what we were doing.”  
He could see him swallow hard, still avoiding his gaze before he asked, “Why?”  
Ian looked at him surprised, “What do you mean?”  
“Why do you stay?” Mickey’s voice was barely audible, “With someone like me?”  
He couldn’t help the sting of hurt in his chest as he heard these words. Knowing Mickey was beating himself up about the fact that he wasn’t ready.  
“Because you’re you. Because I love you. Thought I made that clear.” But he knew the truth. He could say it a thousand times a day, show his love with every move he made. There would always be a part of Mickey that thought he didn’t deserved to be loved. Another reason adding to the long list he had of why he would love to stab Terry to death if he ever got the chance.  
Mickey took a deep breath before he said, “I’ll tell you to stop. If it’s not okay I’ll tell you.” He was looking up at him his eyes flickering but oddly sure at the same time.  
“Okay.”  
He tried to ignore the fact that his heart was beating like he had just run a marathon. 

Mickey was everywhere. On his skin, his mouth, his mind. They were slow. Gentle. Intense.  
Ian could hear the hitch in Mickey’s breath and grabbed his hand reaching around his waist, holding him in his arms, his back against his chest. He held Mickey’s fingers tightly in his own until they were done. Afterwards Mickey turned his head around to face him and he leaned down and pressed their lips together another time. He knew Mickey was okay, felt it because he knew him and he felt relief that it was okay. That it hadn’t been too soon.  
“I love you”, Mickey said quietly.  
“I love you too”, he whispered against his lips, “I love you Mikhailo.”

When he had cleaned both of them up he let Mickey snuggle into his side and wrapped his arms around him. His fingers drew invisible lines on Mickey’s body following the lines of his muscles. He listened to his breath evening out as Mickey drifted off into sleep. Looked at him, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that they actually were here in this situation. A smile lifted the corner of his mouth as he thought back to the time he first hooked up with Mickey. Who would’ve thought that they would be here one day? No one. But if he was being honest Mickey had found a way into his heart the day Ian went to his house to get the gun back. And he would always stay.


	12. Good days and bad days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian lasted another ten minutes, during which he helped Fiona cleaning the kitchen while the others continued watching the movie Debbie and Liam had put on earlier, until he put on his jacket.  
> “You gonna go to the Alibi?” Fiona asked and he nodded.  
> “Did you call him?”  
> “Yeah three times in the last two minutes.”

When Ian came home from his last day of work before Christmas he found Fiona in the kitchen cooking dinner and Yevgeny sitting in Liam’s old chair and playing with one of Carl’s old action figures. Liam and Debbie were in the living room and watching TV.  
“Hey” he greeted and placed a kiss on Yev’s head, “How are you doing little man?” As a response Yev chuckled and threw batman at him.  
“Hey!” Fiona said and smiled as she looked up, “Could you lay the table?”  
“Sure” he answered and opened the cupboards to take out some plates while his sister almost spilled the tomato soup on the stove as she tried to move around him to get the salt.  
He put everything they would need on the table and then headed upstairs to get a needed shower.  
As he was done he went into his room and got dressed. It was freezing cold outside, the whole city buried under a thick layer of snow, so he put on the warm hoodie that was hanging over the bed. He smiled as the smell hit him. Mickey had worn it last.  
A glance at the clock on the nightstand told him his boyfriend wasn’t gonna be home for at least half an hour. He usually spent the first half of the day in the Gallagher house going through Fiona’s managing shit, finding new ways to cut her costs down or getting more customers and looking after his son while the afternoons were served for the Alibi to go over Kev and V’s numbers. Well and hang out with Kev. The two had become bros over the last couple months something Ian was really happy about. Happy that Mickey had found another friend. But fortunately he got along pretty well with everybody in his family. And his family liked Mickey. Even Lip although he would never admit it. Neither would Mickey admit that Lip wasn’t always being an asshole. Hell, once he had even overheard them talking about some stupid math problem he had never even heard of.  
Normally it was Ian’s turn to watch Yev when Mickey was out but every now and then he had to work in the afternoon but luckily there was always someone who would take care of him. Sometimes Fiona just took Yev with her to the laundromat.  
He was about to join him and his sister in the kitchen again when he heard someone moving around in the room he used to share with his three brothers. He expected to see Lip as he opened the door but looked down at Carl who was busy unpacking his suitcase. Well if you call taking all your stuff out at once and shoving it into a drawer unpacking.  
“Holy shit!” he said and his little brother looked up, “Right Fi said you would come home for Christmas.”  
“Good to be back” Carl answered and hugged him, “Military school’s fucking hard.”  
Ian smiled. “Yeah but you knew what you were getting into.”  
“Not exactly but it’s okay. Can be a lot of fun.” The last part sounded almost guilty and Ian knew why. It had always been his dream to go to the army and of course Carl knew that. But he was actually pretty done with the whole soldier thing after his short career at the military and the aftermath. He had something way better now.  
“I’m sure you kicking their asses” he said and smiled reassuringly at Carl and then they heard Fiona screaming, “Dinner is ready!”, so they went downstairs.

“That for Lip?” Carl asked glancing at the at the empty plate at the end of the table next to Ian.  
“No it’s for Mickey” his big sister answered, “Lip’s at Sierra’s.” He didn’t hear the second part.  
Wait what? For Mickey?!  
Ian must have noticed his confused look as he said, “Yeah, Mick and I are back together” while he was trying to get Yevgeny to hold his spoon in a way that wouldn’t let soup spill all over the kitchen.  
“So just in case you’re wondering that’s also why Yev’s here” Debbie added.  
“Holy fuck what else did I miss?” he asked and all his siblings sitting at the table, even Liam, smiled.  
“A lot” was the answer he got from Ian.  
And then he listened to all the things that had happened during the time he was away. Ian was right there had been a lot of shit going on. He heard about Fiona’s laundromat, Sierra, Debbie and her feud with Derek’s family which she had finally won and Liam’s fancy as school Frank had managed to get him in. When he asked where their dad was he just got a shrug from everyone except Yevgeny.  
Well, just as his siblings he didn’t really care. What he did care about was the story concerning Ian and Mickey. The had started the whole story telling thing because of the news about Mickey but hadn’t actually told him what had happened yet but had started with Fiona’s new career.  
“Okay but what about Mickey?” he asked as he finished his soup.  
They told him. About Trevor the guy he had only met once and hadn’t liked because he had really liked the badass boyfriend Ian had had before whose name was Mickey.  
They told him about how Lip and Ian had seen Mickey in the hospital. About why he had been there.  
When they were done Carl didn’t really know what to say. Mickey was in a wheelchair? He couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. He had always looked up to Mickey, to this tough guy who happened to be together with his brother. When Mickey had gone to prison he had thought that he didn’t deserve that but this, this was beyond unfair.  
“But he’s doing okay” Ian assured him and Carl believed him as he saw the look in his eyes. It was the look of happiness.  
But suddenly that look darkened and worry appeared in Ian’s eyes. “Speaking of Mickey” he said nervously checking his phone, “He should be home by now.”

Ian lasted another ten minutes, during which he helped Fiona cleaning the kitchen while the others continued watching the movie Debbie and Liam had put on earlier, until he put on his jacket.  
“You gonna go to the Alibi?” Fiona asked and he nodded.  
“Did you call him?”  
“Yeah three times in the last two minutes.”  
“Kev and him are probably watching the Sox game or some shit and his phone died” she tried to comfort him but he didn’t miss the way she avoided his gaze. Something she always did when she didn’t really believe what she said. They both knew Kev would have called if something like that had happened knowing Ian would go nuts if he didn’t know Mickey was okay. He was aware of the fact that Mickey could take care of himself but especially since he couldn’t walk anymore Ian couldn’t help being worried about him. Mickey was getting better but the wheelchair would stay and Mickey had good days and bad days. The good days meant the pain was okay and not being able to walk was getting kind of normal. But on the bad days Ian would see Mickey wince at almost every move he made, although he tried not to show it. The painkillers only helped a little.  
“I’m sure he’s fine!” Fiona yelled after him when he went outside through the back door.  
The second he was out in the dark air of the night he could feel the cold creeping through his jacket and onto his body. He quickly made his way to the Alibi while checking if someone had texted every couple minutes.  
The bar was crushed with people. Kevin was running around taking orders and pouring alcoholic liquids into glasses and passing them to the regulars sitting at the bar. He was clearly to busy to be watching the Sox game that was on the TV in the corner.  
Ian looked around but couldn’t find Mickey between any of the people sitting there and enjoying their drinks.  
He went towards the bar where Kermit and Tommy were having an argument whether or not it was okay to watch “Married at first sight” even if it was with your girlfriend or wife.  
“Hey Kev” he said and Kev looked up from the beer tap he was holding a glass under.  
“Hi!” he greeted back, smiling, “You wanna coke?”  
Ian shook his head, “No. I’m looking for Mickey is he here?”  
“No”, Kev answered, “He left like three hours ago saying that he was done. So he didn’t come home?”  
“No and he isn’t answering my calls.”  
“He pissed at you?”  
“Not that I know. And I don’t see a reason why he would be.”  
“Hey!” Kev yelled all over sudden and the chatting that was filling the room died down, “Anybody seen Mickey?” All they received was head shaking by the regulars and confused looks from the people that were new and didn’t know Mickey.  
“Shit” Ian cursed and tried to keep his breath steady. Couldn’t stop the fear rising in his chest. Fear that maybe something had happened to Mickey.  
Kev looked at him obviously not knowing what to do but finally said, “Maybe he got shitfaced for some reason. I mean he knows I wouldn’t let him but there’s other places you can do that. I don’t know maybe he’s in pain or just a really shitty mood. Although he seemed fine when he left.”  
Ian ran a hand over his mouth trying to stay calm. “I’m gonna check the bars.”  
“Good luck” he heard Kev’s voice full of concern before he was out in the dark again.

He found him two hours later. In a tiny shithole of a bar crumped between a shabby coffee shop and a hair salon. The room was almost empty besides two guys sitting at one of the tiny tables and the scary looking bar tender.  
Mickey was at the bar his head buried in his arms that were laying on top of it. A bottle of vodka next to him. Half full. Ian’s heart sunk.  
He ignored the glare the guy behind the bar was shooting him as he walked towards Mickey.  
“Hey Mick” he said.  
No reaction. Shit.  
Carefully he moved one of Mickey’s arms to get a look at his face. His eyes were closed but obviously he was awake because he slurred something Ian didn’t understand.  
“Jesus Christ Mick! The hell are you doing?!” he said knowing he would achieve absolutely nothing by that. The damage was already done he could see that.  
“How much has he had?” he asked looking at the bar tender who was still staring at him.  
“Half of the bottle” he answered and pointed towards the vodka.  
Fuck. He would have to call an ambulance if… he opened the pocket at the back of Mickey’s chair and quickly searched through it until he found the container with the painkillers. He had just refilled them this morning, 30 pills. He counted and felt a big wave of relief rolling over his heart when he found it still full. Mickey hadn’t washed down his meds with alcohol he hadn’t taken them at all. The only medication he carried around with him was the painkillers, the rest he would only take in the evening with dinner.  
So it was probably just alcohol in his system. A lot. He still debated if he should call 911 when Mickey stirred and lifted his head eyes flickering half open.  
“Ian?”, he mumbled, “the fuck are you doing here.”  
“Looking for your wasted ass because you were busy getting shitfaced instead of answering my calls” he answered but the harsh words were full of worry. Why was Mickey so drunk?  
But since he was speaking and Ian was able to understand him he decided not to call an ambulance.  
Even though Mickey had barely drunk after he had gone to prison he was anything but a lightweight.  
Still Ian could see he was completely out of it.  
He paid for the amount of vodka Mickey had consumed before he put him in position in which he could lean his head against Ian’s arm as he pushed him through the dark night. The cold air seemed to shake him up a little and he lifted his head but didn’t say a word.  
Fiona was still up when they got home jumping off the couch as soon as she heard the door opening.  
“God what happened?!” she asked as she saw Mickey, her eyes wide in shock at the sight of him.  
“Got drunk as fuck but I don’t know why.”  
“Jeeze Ian we have to go to an ER. His meds-“  
“He didn’t take them!”, Ian interrupted her, “Can you call Kev and tell him that I found him?”  
His sister nodded and went to get her phone while he pulled the jacket off of Mickey’s limp body.  
When he had managed to get it off he quickly went to the kitchen and grabbed a halfway clean glass that was sitting on the countertop and filled it with water before he gave it to Mickey. He watched him as he emptied the glass and was glad when he noticed the water caused Mickey to sober up a bit.  
“What the hell Mick?” he asked as his boyfriend’s eyes became more clear, “The fuck do you think you’re doing?” He knew that there must be a reason why he got so fucked up and he needed to know why. Shit like this couldn’t happen again.  
Mickey remained silent, staring at his hands in his lap, avoiding Ian’s gaze. Ian sighed. Maybe he would talk if they were alone.  
“You need anything?” Fiona asked. Her eyes were full of concern. He shook his head. “No thanks. We’re good. I’m just gonna take him to bed.”  
“Okay”, she said, “I’ll go to bed too.” She disappeared upstairs and he crouched down in front of Mickey. He was so drunk that he could barely hold himself on Ian’s back so Ian took the steps as quickly as possible. When he started to get his clothes off Mickey slapped his arm away. Ian felt a sting in his guts but backed away and left the room to get his toothbrush. He knew Mickey wanted to be alone right now. That he needed space. And he was willing to give him space. Just as Mickey had done during Ian’s first depression phase. And the ones that followed.  
When he came back into their bedroom he found a pile of clothes next to the bed. Mickey had managed to get rid of his jeans, hoodie and shoes. He was laying near the edge of the bed, curled up into a ball, turned away from Ian.  
Ian changed into an old shirt and sweatpants before he crawled under the blanket, leaving some room between him and Mickey. His chest felt tight at the sight of him. He looked like he was trying to disappear and he wanted nothing but hold him his face buried into Mickey’s hair. But he only pulled the blanket up to cover Mickey’s huddled body and moved to the other sided of the bed.  
A thousand thoughts were rushing through his mind. He tried to think of the reason why Mickey had decided to drink himself almost unconscious instead of taking his meds. He used to drown his problems in alcohol way back before the whole prison incident but Ian had thought that Mickey was doing better by now. That he was starting to accept his situation and making the best out of it. God, they were happy. Fucking domestic to be honest and Ian loved it. He had thought Mickey liked it too. Maybe not. Or maybe it was something completely different. It took him a long time until he feel into an uneasy sleep.


	13. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second Mickey woke up he felt like his head was split in half by an axe. He opened one eye and glanced at the clock sitting on the nightstand. It was almost 5am but pitch dark outside since they were in the middle of winter. His mouth felt like he had drunk disinfectant and his whole body was sore. He tried to remember what he had done to feel this shitty.

The second Mickey woke up he felt like his head was split in half by an axe. He opened one eye and glanced at the clock sitting on the nightstand. It was almost 5am but pitch dark outside since they were in the middle of winter. His mouth felt like he had drunk disinfectant and his whole body was sore. He tried to remember what he had done to feel this shitty.  
His plan to go downtown. The bar. There was a blurry picture of Ian giving some bills to the bar tender and the dull memory of them coming home to a scared looking Fiona.  
Before he could recapture the rest of the night he felt bile burning in his throat. Fuck.  
He looked around searching for his wheelchair but couldn’t find it. But he wouldn’t be fast enough to get in it anyway. Swallowing the upcoming mess that was about to come out of him any second he slipped off the bed as quietly as possible. A bomb of pain exploded in his head at the movement. God, he didn’t want Ian to see him like this. He hadn’t been able to avoid it earlier that night but right now he was in even worse shape. Weak. Even weaker than he was already since he became a fucking cripple.  
Pulling himself forward with his arms he made his way outside of the room, thank god the door was only half-closed and into the bathroom which was open as well.  
He almost made it but before he could lean over the toilet he started gagging and emptied his stomach on the floor and his shirt. Tears flooded his eyes because of the acid burning his throat.  
Not because of what had happened today. Or the fact he was laying on the floor puking his guts out because he couldn’t even make it to the goddamn toilet. No, just the stupid acid.  
He started heaving again but his arms were too weak to lift him up to the toilet. Weak. Weak weak weak. It was his father’s voice screaming at him in his head, the same word over and over again: “Weak”. Ian didn’t deserve this. He deserved so much better. Always had. But he had stayed anyway. Well he had come back. He had come back even though Mickey had been nothing but a bunch of crushed bones and blood. And why? Because he loved him. That’s what Ian said and showed him every day. And Mickey said it back and showed it because he loved Ian. But this? Ian didn’t need to put up with this shit. God he shouldn’t put up with this.  
Shaken by new waves of throwing up and pain he just wanted to disappear.  
He didn’t know how long he laid there shivering in his own puke.  
But suddenly he noticed something red in the corner of his eye.  
Ian.  
If Mickey had had a gun to blow up his head in that moment he would have done it.

When Ian opened his eyes he found Mickey’s side of the bed empty. A look to the clock told him that it was 6:42 in the morning. Usually the whole house would be up by now but today was Saturday so everyone would sleep in. Especially Mickey. Especially with the hangover he would definitely have. Ian remembered that he had forgotten to take the wheelchair upstairs which made Mickey’s absence even weirder. Everything was quiet as he stepped out of the room and into the hallway but he frowned at the sight of what was in front of him. At who was in front of him. Their room was directly across the bathroom the door of which was open.  
Mickey was laying on the floor on his side just in a shirt and his boxers. The small carpet beneath him and his shirt were covered in vomit and the acrid smell hit Ian’s nose.  
He could feel his heart crack.  
Mickey’s eyes were open but blank and for the terrible split of a second Ian though he was dead when he noticed his chest going slightly up and down.  
He stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him. He knew Mickey didn’t want anyone to see him like this. His skin was as white as the tiles underneath him, his face stained with dried tears.  
First he took a small towel out of the cupboard next to the shower and wet it before he leaned down to Mickey and removed the dried smears of puke from his face.  
He shivered as the blank expression in Mickey’s face didn’t change at all. It was like he was in a coma, barely alive. He checked his pulse and breathing to find out if he should call 911 but as an EMT he knew this was mental. Which didn’t make it any less painful.  
Next he pulled the dirty shirt over Mickey’s head and threw it on the floor before he put his arms under Mickey’s shoulders and lifted him up and into the shower.  
He waited until the water was warm enough and then began to wash Mickey. Ian was almost done when someone started banging against the door which caused Mickey to wince and Ian was ready to stab Debbie or Carl or whoever the fuck was trying to get in.  
“Ian?! Are you in there? Hey can you puke downstairs so we can use the shower?!” Lip yelled still banging at the door.  
“How about you shut the fuck up!” Ian yelled back. “Well I’m sorry but as you might remember we are getting a Christmas tree today and I need a goddamn shower before we leave which would be in like ten minutes!” Lip shouted, “So how long are you gonna ta-“  
“Lip leave it!”, Fiona said loudly, “Just go without your shower. It’s just us in the car and we’re used to you smelling bad.” Thank god for his big sister. Lip started to protest but his siblings' voices died down so Fiona was probably dragging Lip downstairs.  
He could hear Debbie, Carl and Liam coming out of their rooms but they must have heard Fiona because none of them dared to even knock.  
Ian had totally forgotten that they were going on this trip today. Fiona had made all of them promise that they would join since Liam had boycotted eating until Fiona agreed to get a Christmas tree. A real one, meaning they would have to drive for hours and cut one. Apparently Fiona had forgotten as well so they were in a hurry because the drive would take about three hours and they would have to find a tree before darkness.  
Obviously he and Mickey wouldn’t go. Not after what had happened last night. When he was done cleaning his lifeless boyfriend he wiped the floor clean and put the carpet in the sink to rinse it. Then he went to his and Mickey’s bedroom and got a new shirt and sweats for Mickey.  
He was about to enter the bathroom again when he saw Fiona coming upstairs.  
“Everything okay?” she asked.  
“Rough night”, was his vague response, “Sorry but we can’t come with you today.”  
“Okay… Well we’re gonna leave now. Totally forgot to set an alarm but there’s some leftovers from the eggs Lip just made. If he hadn’t remembered and come we would still be in bed but now we’re ready. Won’t be back until afternoon. But we’ll take Yev with us ok?”  
“Yeah thank you” he answered and she looked at him like she wanted to ask what was going on but decided against it which he was thankful for.  
She went downstairs and he went back into the bathroom. He helped Mickey putting his clothes on and prepared his toothbrush. While Mickey was brushing his teeth, the first motion he did since Ian had found him, Ian knew better than watching him and looked through the window of his old room down on the street to see his family getting into the car. It was an old minibus Fiona had borrowed from one of her employees since they didn’t have a car and they wouldn’t fit in Kev’s truck.  
As he returned to the bathroom he saw Mickey rinsing his toothbrush. He didn’t look at him as Ian walked towards him. Neither of them spoke as Ian put one arm around Mickey’s shoulders and the other one under his legs and carried him downstairs bridal style. Mickey’s head was buried in the crook of his neck and his arms clutched around Ian’s neck so tightly as if his life depended on it.  
And when Ian reached the couch and sat down on it, still holding him, Mickey broke down.  
Uncontrollable sobs escaped his throat and shook his whole body.  
The sound of them pierced Ian to the heart.  
This wasn’t only about the way Mickey felt humiliated. This was the first time he completely lowered his guard. This was all the emotions he had been holding in since he was brought to the ER.  
Ian didn’t hear sobs.  
Pain.  
Sadness.  
Frustration.  
Hopelessness.  
Anger.  
Despair. That’s what he heard.  
Eventually Mickey’s cries slowly died down. Until he was just a shivering mess in Ian’s arms.  
But even tough his throat felt so tight that he found it hard to breathe as he looked at Mickey he knew what had just happened was good. Because Mickey had let his feelings out.  
They laid down on the couch under a blanket, Mickey still in Ian’s arms, their foreheads touching.  
He didn’t know how much time passed until he asked. Because he needed to know. Needed to know what to do so Mickey wouldn’t just disappear into some bar again. Or god knows where it would be next time.  
“What happened?”, he asked, his voice so quiet that it was almost a whisper, “Why didn’t you answer my calls? And got so fucking wasted?”  
At first Mickey didn’t answer him and Ian thought he would have to try again in a couple days maybe but then he spoke, his voice barely audible, “Wanted to buy some Gatorade. It was too high for me to reach. When I asked some guy to help me he called me a cripple and left.”  
Ian wanted to curl up around him to protect him. Protect him from all the insults, punches and kicks he had gotten and would get in the future.  
But Mickey wasn’t done yet. “I left the Alibi early to go downtown. After the Gatorade shit I wanted to get on the L but there wasn’t a lift at the station.”  
Ian grabbed Mickey’s hand.  
Mickey went on, “So I went to the next station. No lift either. The third stop’s lift was out of order. When I was halfway to the fourth one I realized the store would close before I could get there. Kinda gave up and went to that bar instead. Turns out I can’t even get you a fucking present for Christmas.”  
Now it were Ian’s eyes that filled with tears.

They were all sitting in the living room, Fiona, Lip, Debbie and Franny, Carl, Kev and V with the twins, Liam, Mickey and Yev and him. It was the morning of Christmas Day and they were all busy unwrapping each other’s presents. Everyone was chatting in small groups and he, Mickey and Yev were sitting on some cushions, next to the fireplace and the Christmas tree, covered in blankets. Mickey had just opened his present from him, it was a collection of their favorite movies and music plus two tickets for a concert of Mickey’s favorite band next summer.  
Now Mickey gave him a small box over Yev’s head who was sitting between them and happily playing with his presents. “Kev took me downtown with him so I could get it” he explained and suddenly seemed shy, like wasn’t sure if Ian would like it.  
He opened the box Mickey had given him.  
In there was a key.  
“Still had some money left from the shit I pulled in prison and I don’t know- It’s probably a stupid idea it kinda just popped into my head but sometimes it’s fucking crowded here and I thought maybe we could get our own place so I bought this little house in-“ Mickey started hemming and hawing, looking beyond nervous until Ian interrupted him by pressing their lips together.


End file.
